chocolat on Safer Sex and the submissive - Cold's Story

TES Safety Guide- Safe Sane Consensual - HIV Transmission - SM Risk Reduction - SM Etiquette - Lubricants - Your Rectum - Douching and Enemas - Your Vagina - Toys - Cleaning Toys - Oral Sex - Rimming - Water Sports etc - Fisting - Piercing Shaving etc - Whipping - Electricity - Drugs and Alcohol - About this Document

It is my firm belief that the gift of life and the gift of health, are the most precious things we possess. Those in the gay community who came before us suffered devastating losses to HIV and AIDS. It is out of this horrible phase of BDSM evolution that "communities" began to grow and share health and safety information. If you gain nothing else from online reading, this page and the page on safe meetings are not optional learnings. If you are a submissive, bottom, slave. learn the content of these pages. You cannot serve well if you are dead or in a hospital bed. If you are a Top Dominant Master, learn and teach the content of these pages. People are expecting you to guide them well in these matters. My dear friend and trainee chocolat was asked to do some research and share her story. From it..I hope you will see that even considering yourself a slave doesn't mean absolving yourself from keeping yourself healthy and alive. Or consider Cold's Story, a writing that has been shared on line for many years as part of the online "newby pack" of information. A complete newbie pack is visible on WizDomme's Newbie Pack page. I know there is a lot of content here on this HIV & Safety page but please get through it all. It will make everything else you do safer and more fun. subs, send your Dominants here... Dominants, send your submissives. BDSM Web Masters I generally ask people to link to the vanilla-not home page. but in the interest of sharing this wealth of information please feel free to link directly to this page. Lest you think think HIV is the only real issue in STD safety, check out Rick Sowadsky's page, it's not for the faint of heart. -Sir

---

by chocolat

added 04.22.01

chocolat's story | But oral sex is safe ..right? | Anal contact issues | vaginal contact issues
| what about toys? | protection and testing | the submissive safety pack

I am writing this completely from my own perspective and experience. I am not a member of the medical community. All medical information was obtained by my own research efforts utilizing the internet. The reader is encouraged to do your own research, speak frankly with your docotor, draw your own conclusions, and make decisions based on your own beliefs regarding sexual safety. Play safe, be well.

As submissive women, we want to please our Dominants. We trust our Dominants, and have faith that they will protect us from harm- emotional, mental, and physical. We appreciate our Dom's commitment to our growth and fulfillment. This was certainly the case with me for the three years i lived as a collared 24/7 slave. My former Master and i were "community leaders," and lectured on various topics, however we were also both ignorant when it came to AIDS and STDs. It now makes me shudder when i think of the dangerous positions i sometimes found myself in back then. i think that like a lot of people, We simply thought it would never happen to us. Thank the gods it never did. The consequences could have been disastrous.

Throughout those years, i found myself in positions (literally!), which were extremely risky, if not dangerous. Sometimes, during an encounter safety concerns caused me to feel uneasy. i made respectful observations like, "Sir, with all due respect, i really don't want her down there!" or "We don't know where her mouth has been!" Usually i was assured that all would be well, and reminded of how pleased he would be by my obedience. My Master was pretty well sought after by new submissives who wished to experience his strict protocol, and/or his powerful but very delicious cane strokes. Some of these women were well known to us, some of them weren't. Oftentimes, the submissive was asked to perform a domestic duty, or assist me in preparing for a lifestyle dinner or play party in our home. She earned playtime with her service. Sometimes after a job well done, the submissive offered oral worship, or it would be suggested by him that she do so. Sometimes Master enjoyed having me "teach" the girl how to satisfy him orally, meaning we took turns pleasing him. All of this was done without a condom, and without cleaning his penis between swaps. On a few occasions Master instructed me to lay back and allow the girl to please me. He assured me that because she was doing me; i was safe from disease. Wrong! On the rare occasion that i reciprocated oral with these women, it was also done without protection. i knew of dental dams, and even Saran wrap, but because Master didn't make it a priority, neither did i. i was so deep in submission to him, that i lost my sense of personal safety, and even some of my good old common sense.

i've come to realize that as submissives it is important that we are aware of what risks we may take when in sexual service. It is no dishonor to our Dominants when we educate ourselves. Nor is it disrespect to add safer sex practices to our list of HARD limits. After sharing my experience with Sir Malo, He suggested i research the topic and share what i learned.

Firstly, there are tons and tons of websites out there with good information about HIV and other STDs. With all the information out there, the "I didn't know I could get it like that" excuse isn't much of a defense in the doctor's office. One important fact that should get our attention is that women make up the fastest-growing group of people with AIDS. It is imperative that we familiarize ourselves with how HIV and other STDs are transmitted, and have an understanding of how we can protect ourselves and our partners. i'll give a very brief overview of what i discovered. Many links are included for your own exploration.

HIV Transmission

t?

Sorry, no oral is not safe. While there is less risk of HIV infection with oral sex than with anal and vaginal intercourse, it can still occur. In my quest to please my Dominant during the scenes with those women, i risked being exposed to HIV and a host of other STDs, by both giving AND receiving. In fact many STDs have little trouble transferring from mouth to genitals and then genitals to mouth. Here's a list, a rather long list of what you can earn during oral worship. Click on the disease and you will be taken to an excellent site for information on that particular infection.

HIV http://hivinsite.ucsf.edu/
Herpes http://www.herpes.com/
Hepatitis B http://www.hepb.org
Hepatitis C http://hepatitis-central.com/hcv/whatis/whatishcv.html
Syphilis: http://www.cdc.gov/std/Syphilis/STDFact-Syphilis.htm
Gonorrhea http://www.cdc.gov/std/Gonorrhea/STDFact-gonorrhea.htm
Chlamydia http://www.cdc.gov/std/Chlamydia/STDFact-Chlamydia.htm
Chancroid http://www.mjbovo.com/Contracept/STD-Chancroid.htm

Those who give blow jobs (that would be us) are considered at the highest risk of STD infection, because of the potential that more HIV infected fluid will enter the body. When you are giving a blow job, there is the potential exposure to semen and pre-cum, and also the chance of potential exposure to blood from a penile cut, sore, or abrasion, or even from an irritated piercing. Genital torture is foreplay for some of us. Therefore it is quite possible that our own or our partner's genitals may have some bruising once oral play commences. This is dangerous.

x

Many of the diseases mentioned above can be contracted during rimming, including Herpes, Hepatitis B, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, and yes even HIV. If there is blood present, HIV can be transmitted. If you haven't be vaccinated against
Hepatitis A http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/diseases/hepatitis/a/fact.htm
you can very easily get it from an infected partner. Due to fecal matter one must also beware of the possibility of getting sick from
Intestinal Parasites http://www.sexhealth.org/std/salmonella.shtml

Anal Sex
The Center for Disease Control lists Anal Sex as the riskiest sexual practice of all due to the very delicate membranes found in one's rectum. During anal sex these membranes are susceptible to tiny rips and tears resulting in bleeding. In addition to all of the diseases mentioned so far, Anal sex can also expose you to

Donovanosis http://www.stdservices.on.net/std/donovanosis/illustratedtranscript.htm, icky http://www.emedicine.com/derm/topic172.htm

Pubic Lice http://www.stdservices.on.net/std/crabs/

HPV or Genital Warts
http://www.niaid.nih.gov/factsheets/stdhpv.htm
HPV can be pretty debilitating in women, and leads to cervical cancer in some cases. It is incurable.
http://www.cdc.gov/std/HPV/STDFact-HPV.htm

Vaginal Intercourse
Count them and then calculate your risk: HIV, Herpes, Hepatitis B, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Chancroid, Donovanosis, HPV, Public Lice and
Trichomoniasis http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/trichomonas/index.htm
can all be contracted during vaginal intercourse.

Toys

Say it ain't so. Yes STDs can be transmitted through shared use of toys. Vaginal secretions or sperm left on vibrators and dildos can transfer viruses to your mouth or vagina if they are infected. Likewise, sweat and blood left on the tails of a whip or flogger may contain traces of some diseases such as Hepatitis C. It is important that all toys are disinfected immediately after use and before being used on another person. As much as possible, toys should not be shared. If you are playing with a new Dominant, be sure to ask, "Where have your toys been?" Offer to clean them for him (for you) if you question their cleanliness. During my long-term relationship, i was never instructed on the proper cleaning of toys, nor did i take the initiative to learn on my own.

This site offers good basic information on care of leather and other toys: http://www.sexuality.org/safesex.html#C9S3

A leather cleaner which disinfects against HIV can be purchased from http://www.sourcegroupchemical.com/1.htm
't mean twhat do we do about it?

The use of a latex barrier device is the only way to protect yourself and your partner(s) from the potential transmission of HIV and other STDs during vaginal, anal AND oral sex. Condoms, dental dams, Saran wrap and/or the new Sheer Glyde Dams (http://www.sheerglydedams.com/ should become a part of your submissive's Safety Pack. (See below) These precautions and others should be used every time you engage in any kind of sexual play. An excellent description on the use of each of these devices can be found at http://www.sexuality.org/safesex.html#C9S3.

we can also choose not to become sexual with anyone until we have gotten to know them over an extended period. It is less likely we will be exposed to HIV and STDs if we are involved in committed relationships.

we should be tested, and our partner(s) tested for STDs every 3-6 mos. Some of the STDs, including HIV have lengthy incubation periods and many of the diseases have no symptoms for several weeks, and some in women have none at all. After my relationship with my Master ended, i decided it would be wise to get tested for HIV and other STDs. Waiting for results can be a nerve wrecking ordeal, however, in the case of HIV, ignorance is NOT bliss. Free testing centers are located all over the United States. You can put in your zip code at this website http://hivinsite.ucsf.edu/.... and find a testing center near you. Results usually come back within two weeks. Your blood will be tested for HIV antibodies. In most people the antibodies show up after 3 months, however, in some they don't show up until after 6 months of exposure. So, i am due to undergo testing again in two months. Only after i receive negative results this go around, can i be certain that i am not infected. Now THAT is scary.The website offers a detailed description of the different types of HIV tests, and everything you want to know about HIV testing. AIDS 101: http://www.sfaf.org/aids101/hiv_testing.html

In addition to regular testing, we should be honest and expect honesty from our partner(s) regarding past sexual history and fidelity. If we feel pressured into performing any sexual act, we must either safeword, or take whatever necessary action to get away from the situation.

By the way: Any nonconsensual sexual activity should be reported to law enforcement, your physician or emergency room if necessary, and local scene organizations.

What's a submissive's Safety Pack? (SSP)
There is a new push in the lifestyle for submissives to own their own toys which are used by any Dominant wanting to play with that submissive. i agree with this stance. In addition to making good safety sense, what better way to get your favorite toys used on you during a scene?! Every good Submissive's Toy Bag should hold what i call a Submissive (Sexual) Safety Pack or SSP. It doesn't matter what the actual Pack is made out of, it's what's inside that counts. So gallon size plastic baggies work, so do fanny packs, and even a small clutch, for we girly girl types.

What's in it?
Latex Love (if you are allergic, alternatives can be found at

http://www.ansell.com/index1.htm

http://www.anesth.com/lair/manufact.html

-latex lubed condoms with and w/o Nynoxol-9

-latex flavored condoms

-dental dams/saran wrap/Glydes

-gloves (for fisting and fingering)

Glide me

-water or silicone based lube (oil does not work well with latex)

Pardon me Sir but i have my own

-dildoes

-buttplugs/anal beads

-vibrators

Clean up time

- antimicrobial towelettes (for removing used condoms and wiping up messes)

-antibacterial sanitary hand gel

-small spray bottle of 10:1 bleach solution (for quick clean up of your toys)

-feminine hygiene products

-alcohol wipes

OK, armed and ready, how on earth do I bring this up to my Dom?
In early negotiations it is important that the Dom understand that you are a "safer sex sub." Many Dominants ask the submissive to fill out a submissive

BDSM Play Partner Checklist http://www.vanilla-not.com/1RealLife/checklist.htm

On this form and others like it sexual practices are listed. Whether you circle 1 (i really don't want to do that) or 5 (I am crazy about that); i recommend adding a line that says something like "only with a latex condom would i ever considering anal at all." After a few of these responses, the Dominant will surely get the idea that you are serious about protecting yourself, and Him as well.

i recommend bringing your SSP along on all of your D/s dates, and to all events where there is the potential for play. We certainly hope that our Dominant already has sexual safety supplies available, but we cannot assume that he does. He may not have the information you and i now possess, or he might be all out of condoms. It is true that some Doms may feel threatened if you bring up safer sex in the midst of a scene. i recommend trying to negotiate this out before the scene begins in order to avoid an awkward moment. If you find yourself being told to drop to your knees and there's been no movement towards either his condom supply or your SSP, you might simply state: "Would Sir like me to retrieve His condom?" or "Which type of Condom does Master prefer?" If your Dominant does not respond favorably, or attempts to punish you for adhering to your boundaries, you are probably playing with the wrong Dominant. The right Dominant will be proud of your safe practices, and may even think of creative ways for you to apply the condom.

i enjoy being a submissive. The freedom that submitting to another brings me fulfills me in ways i never before knew existed. However, my decision to submit does not abdicate me from personal responsibility, particularly when it comes to sexual health. Ignorance is a liability. i believe that my knowledge and newly formed convictions about being sexually safe will be a boon to my future Master. Feeling safe is one of the cornerstones of expressing one's submissiveness to a Dominant. If one's body is not safe, how then can one surrender the heart, mind or soul? Sometimes it is up to us to lead. If He refuses to follow, even under these crucial circumstances, then He is not the One.

Be well, play safe.

chocolat

---

Cold's Story

by Cold as Ice1

Some of you know me personally, some only through the computer. Some of you may not of ever heard of me. I am writing this in the hopes of saving someone from going through the anguish and heartache that I and my family have gone through.

My nickname on Chat is Cold as Ice1. I am 38 years old. I have a family consisting of three children and three step children. The older two step children do not live with me but I was very close to them. Living at home are my three children. Lisa is 19. Shelley is 13 and Daniel is 7. My step daughter 18 also lives with us. I also take care of my father. Although in the conventional manner of speaking I am still married. I live with my husband we have not had a typical marriage in the past year and a half.

When I started on Prodigy in February of 1994 , I was new to the computer world. I was very busy taking care of many people. I was a girlscout leader. Two of my children have emotional problems and one a physical problem. I was at the school volunteering or at meetings. I was taking care of my dad's household also by paying his bills doing his shopping, laundry, taking him to the doctors etc. I was also the person to call at 3:00am in the morning when someone had a problem. I guess what I am trying to say is that I was Betty Crocker to the max. I devoted my life to others.

Even through all this I was very lonely inside. I felt loved as a mom, friend, sister, daughter but not as a woman. I was 350lbs and didn't take very good care of myself.

When I started playing on the computer it was so different. I would go on the bulletin boards in the weight loss section and go to the pets bulletin boards. I started to lose weight and joined a weight loss group who had a bulletin board through prodigy. Then a friend told me about chat.

I first started in Chat searching around going from room to room. I couldn't believe some of the rooms. I didn't know whether to be shocked, insulted or just go with the flow. I soon found the Big Beautiful Women's room. It was fun and before I knew it I was having the old cyber sex. I don't know why but hey it wasn't pigging out and eating. I don't know about all of you but I never found it very stimulating. I then went on to phone sex. I didn't think anything was wrong with it after all I wasn't doing anything unsafe. I didn't think I was cheating cause it wasn't in person. Anyway I was having cyber-phone with some guy and it seemed that I was always the one on my knees serving him. He said to me why don't you go to the D/s rooms. D/s what the heck is that I asked him. He said go there and find out. I had never heard of D/s S&M or anything like that. I ventured on over there and met (cyber only) my first Dom. I was cyber-collared from him and learning from step one. I would ask his permission to come into the room. I wouldn't even talk in the room unless he ordered me to. When I first found out he had another sub I was heart-broken and cried.

We talked on the phone and he told me that I had to learn a lot about D/s. I have always been pretty stubborn and asked to be released. Through the months I learned the trudged along through cyber/phone Master after Master. I had so many tears I couldn't tell you. All these over some people I had never met. I met people through chat but only as friends. I continued to loose weight and felt very wanted and desired by these cyber Masters even though I hadn't met them. I fought with other subs over Masters as Vampy can well attest to. I also judged people I had no right to judge. I also became very addicted to Chat. I was letting my house go. My bills and credit were being ruined. I had five accounts and bills in the hundreds. I also was not getting any sleep. My husband would come home to me at the computer, go to sleep with me at the computer and wake up with me at the computer. I didn't cook very much and it was all I could do to get my kids ready for school. I justified my actions by saying I have been doing for everyone for years and now it is my time to do for me. I blamed my lack of caring for my husband on him. I would tell him things like "well I warned you for years that if you didn't make me feel like a woman I would cross the line and it would be too late." I started to go out to bars with friends. I was looking good. I started taking to good care of myself getting my nails done, having my hair done and buying new clothes. I was feeling for the first time in 13 years wanted and desired as a woman. I would wait on Chat for hours at a time just for my Master at the time to come on. Even if it was for just a few minutes. Coming on to Chat was the highlight of my life. My heart would actually race as the modem kicked in and I couldn't wait to enter the room.

In September I decided to put my opinions where my mouth was and to have a real session with a Dom. I met him and had a wonderful and SAFE totally S&M Session. He did not want to collar me because he felt he couldn't put into a Master sub relationship what he felt was needed for a bond. I was heartbroken feeling that I didn't please him. Now I totally understand where he was coming from. But I thought at least I tried it real-time and I liked it.

After that I was approached by a Master who said that he was in the scene for over 20 years and was looking for a sub and knew I wasn't collared. We were not that far away from each other. He lived and worked about 45 minutes away from me. We eventually met and had a session. It was also safe. He wanted to collar me but I had hopes of being collared by the first Dom that sessioned me. This new Master doted on me he was firm and really seemed to know what he was doing. He would take me to dinner and go places with me. In the beginning couple of weeks things were purely straight and safe S&M. There is a lot more to this but I can not get into it at this time. It is just to painful. After a couple of weeks of seeing him and talking to him both on the phone and the computer I agreed to be collared. From there on things got sexual and not safe. I didn't question him after all he was the Master although when first meeting him he told me he was married and when asked told me he didn't have AIDs or any sexually transmitted disease. He did tell me that he had had Hepatitis B but that he was not catchy. I didn't question him after all he was the Master. I never would question a Master. Peter {Lord Laurant can attest to my seriousness in S&M. I did not stop calling him or any Master Sir until a year ago.

By the time my Master progressed to unsafe S&M practices and sex I was totally committed to him and could not imagine even living without him. You see most of us know that it is not the physical Domming that makes the bond, it is the emotional Domming.

I was Dommed hook line and sinker. I felt wonderful knowing that I was wanted appreciated and I loved the attention he gave me. I would do anything to please him. Unfortunately pleasing him meant very sadistic practices. I totally trusted him and can not tell you what a hold this man had over me. He knew the right things to say and through it all I still believe that he loved me.

Our S&M practices were now what I can call bizarre I can not go into this also as it is to painful for me. Besides I don't think people still believe that I was whipped over 500 times in a single session. I know this because I counted.

I was taken to an S&M Club where I was whipped, caned, cropped, beaten till I bled. I would have large blood clots on my breasts. I felt happy that I pleased him. I thought I was a great sub. Lioness can attest to this as she stopped a scene that Master was doing with me out of concern for me. Lord Laurent can also attest to this as he saw me, Dommed and expressed his concern to me. He told me when I was being Dommed I was not even there and I wasn't I was in another place. I was in the frame of mind that nothing could stop me from pleasing Master and I would endure anything. He told me that what Master had just done to me was not being Dommed it was being abused. I felt like the good sub when I told Master this. He told me that people just didn't understand that there were different levels of S&M and we were just hard core and that I should be proud that I could endure what their subs could not. I was proud.

Master would call me at 1:30 in the morning -- he worked nights and have me drive almost an hour to rub his feet for 45 minutes on his dinner break. I would drive back home after that. What did I get in return -- the pride of knowing I pleased him. The pride of knowing that I was real-time and not cyber. Besides we also did vanilla things like go to dinner or movies. Of course I paid most of the time. I also was becoming a very respected sub on-line and that was very important to me. Masters would tell me they wished I was their sub. I now realise in a sick way this was all making me feel good and important.

In February of 95 I started to feel sick. I went to the doctor and to make a long story short I found out I had HepB. I was upset and scared. The hardest thing was having to have all my children and husband have blood tests for HepB. They all came back negative but had to have three shots each. I had to eat out of paper plates and couldn't kiss my own children. I felt like a leper. My selfishness had caused my children to suffer. Watching my son cry knowing he had to have a shot and knowing it was because of me is something that brings tears to me even now. I thought it could not get any worse. I was so sick. I had a rash and the highest temperature of my life. I still went to my Master. I still rubbed his feet for hours. I still pleased him. I remember running a high fever with a bladder infection so bad I was bleeding. It didn't stop him from the fisting or the whippings.

About two weeks after the HepB diagnosis Master told me he had a terminal illness and that was why he was having a hard time leaving his wife. He felt he owed her something. I asked what that illness was and he finally told me he had HIV. I will remember this day as if it was today. Riding in the car with him and him telling me this. My whole body rushed out just like you see in a movie where everything zooms in on you. I was crying and quite hysterical. I told him he lied to me and he said no I didn't you asked me if I had AIDS and no one has ever said I have AIDS... they say I have HIV and that doesn't mean I have AIDS. He told me he loved me and that was important. Then he brought me to a hotel room and Dommed me. I cried the whole time but I just couldn't hate him. I justified it by saying that if I had HIV he would not leave me. He promised I could take care of him and that he would take care of me. After we left and I was alone in my car I called my husband on the car phone. I was still hysterical I told him what Jack had told me. He is a very caring person and although he knew I was seeing Jack he still allowed me to stay because he was hoping it was just a phase I was going through.

The next day I called the health department. I was so upset they had a doctor come to my home to talk to me. He got me tested the next day. I had to wait a week of hell to find out if I was positive. Even if I showed negative there would be no guarantee because you can test neg. up to six months after your last sexual constant. The people at the health department didn't think I could handle the diagnosis either way and decided the only way I was to know is if my medical doctor told me. I could hardly get out of bed I was so upset. I had to tell my oldest what was happening.

A week to the day... March 14, 1995 my doctor called and said she had an emergency at the hospital and could I meet her in the emergency room. My husband and I went. They finally called me in. She wasted no time and said we had some bad news from the health department. You are HIV+. As she told me my therapist walked in and so did a nurse with a shot. I was on the floor at this time. I was put on a stretcher and remember crying and telling a nurse I was only lonely. I didn't mean for all this to happen and I don't want to die. The nurse gave me another shot with tears coming down her face. I will never forget that.

I was brought to another hospital by ambulance and put in a mental ward. I was on a suicide watch as I didn't want to live knowing this. The next three weeks were pretty much a blur. I do know that my family was overwrought and so was I just knowing that I brought this on to them. Where was Master through this all... well we talked on the phone. He reassured me that he would be there for me and that I was a good sub and he loved me. He wouldn't come see me because he knew my family wanted to kill him and I think if they had their chance they would of. I was transferred to another hospital where he did come see me once.

Everyone including my doctors couldn't understand why I had no anger toward this man. They don't understand the power that a Top has over a sub. I think this was the hardest thing for my family to deal with. Why no anger? People who didn't even know me before all this couldn't understand this.

Well I got out of the hospital and soon I was seeing Jack regularly again. Yes he told his wife and even left her for awhile but he started to become sick. He gave me numbers of people to call and even brought me to the AIDS center where he went. His wife was a nurse he said and knew how to care for him. He went back to his wife and I went back to the hospital by force. You see when he went back to her he told me he loved me but that he didn't have to much time left. That if we were together and he died he didn't think my family would take me back. He promised to take care of my children financially as he did from the beginning. I flipped out again and intended to kill myself where we use to meet all the time. I called my husband and begged him to forgive me for all I did that in itself was another story. My husband called the police and they came and got me. I was put in a holding cell with a blanket and laid on the floor. I was handled like a leper and it was horrible. Again to another hospital. I didn't stay long and got out. For a couple of weeks Jack would not take my phone calls the anger finally came. When he did talk to me and see me I was different. It finally sunk in EVERYTHING.

The hardest point was knowing that chances are I will not see my son graduate high school or my daughter college. I would not see my grandchildren when they came grow up. Why -- because I wanted to be wanted. I saw Jack a couple of times after that and the last time I saw him he Dommed me. But you see by then I had gotten away enough to see things as they really were. I also met Karen, my Mistress and lover. Yes before she even touched me I told her I had HIV. Yes she is negative. That is also another story.

Master did not give up easily and it was hard for awhile but the final straw was when he told me that he was told I might of gotten HIV elsewhere. Knowing what we did and knowing that I was safe before him finally broke the connection. I finally asked to be released as all through this I was still collared.

Jack died in December. I found out the same day as I was riding in the car to my HIV doctor. Yes I cried and yes I still cried. I believe that he did love me... You see I have to otherwise I couldn't live with the fact that I am going to die all for NOTHING.

This is my story up to last year I know it is long but it is the truth and believe me I could write a book on the things that I left out. My life has changed a lot since the last time I met with Master.

What does this all mean... to me it means let this be a warning. It is to late for me but to all that are just starting or are considering giving up maybe your life for a Master or Visa-versa. It is not necessary to do so to prove you are a wanted and loved person.

If I could go back to the first time I signed on I would. I have lost the respect of my family although they still love me. I have lost friends because they are afraid of me being around them and their children. I have stopped volunteering at the schools because I am afraid of what the parents would do if they knew I had HIV and was working along side of their children. I have to tell doctors. People I meet in the S&M scene I have to tell I have HIV so they can make a decision as to whether or not they want to be collared by me. I do not want anyone to feel the way I did by having this Master not be honest with me. Of course when playing in S&M I am totally safe and have found out that S&M does not mean unsafe play. A simple hug is not so simple anymore. I find myself analyzing did the person who just hugged me hug me if they knew I had HIV even though I know they can't get it. I find myself thinking if this person that has hugged me knew I had HIV would they even hug me. Although Master lays in his grave he has done the ultimate Dom. He has me for the rest of my life. He is a reminder everyday living this. Should anyone have so much power over anyone? Everyday of my life he is a constant reminder by living with this. Karen has been through hell with me with this disease. Let me tell you HIV sucks. Is it worth it?? You decide!!

I am sending a poem that my 13 year old daughter wrote a few months ago. She just turned thirteen in April (1996).

My Hands
As I sit here, with no sound.
No light.
No one.
I look at my hands.
My small hands.
My closed hands.
My hands are closed to the world.
To you.
To every one.
They were once open.
Open to you.
To everyone.
They held love.
Happiness.
Peace.
No longer do they hold these.
They hold memories.
Only anger.
Only fear.
Only sadness.
Should I open them to the world?
Should I let out the anger?
Should I let out the fear?
Should I let out the sadness?
I should let it out.
I should let it out!
Out of my hands.
Out of my hands.
Out of my hands.....

Now that you have read my story I would like to pass on a few things that I think may help others. If you are interested in a new Dom/sub, ask him if anyone on chat knows him/her personally. Find out what your Dom/sub is looking for. Are they the same interests such as do you both not mind if he has more than one sub. Is he into safewords if you are. How far do you both want to get involved in this? If you are going to meet a new Dom/sub. Always meet in a public place. A restaurant etc. Let some one know where you will be. Do not go with the intent of sessioning the first time you both meet.

Always agree on safe and consentual S&M Practices when you do finally first session. Think about the consequences of both of your actions. Such as if you are married is this possibly worth being found out. I also feel that being in this cyber land is like taking a drug for some people. It was like that with me. If this is so... step back for awhile and think about this. Like a drug a lot of this cyber can give you a false high and be dangerous. I am speaking from experience.

Be Safe, Be Happy, Be smart.
Cold As Ice1

 
These files are presented for general information only and are not meant to be a "how-to" guide.
As with anything, what works for someone else may or may not work for you.
Use common sense when exploring new relationships of any type.

Note: Cold's story is taken from a widely shared packet of information called the "Newbie Pack and is freee for the sharing.

TES SAFE SEX GUIDE

"The following three definitions are provided here as a service and are the property of The Eulenspiegel Society.". TES is a not-for-profit organization which promotes sexual liberation for all adults.Especially for people who enjoy consensual SM.

Following are basic terminology definitions that TES has adopted. These are the standards that we ALL should hold and adhere to.

ACT: AIDS Committee of Toronto
Safer SM Education Project

NOTICE:This document was the work of many dedicated volunteers. They deserve to be properly recognized, so you are free to use it on the condition that you print, post, or otherwise distribute the document in its entirety and without changes. This notice should remain attached at the top of the document when you do so. Requests to excerpt portions of the text should be made to SaferSM@SaferSM.org or to the mailing address at the bottom of this document. Thanks.
Please tell us (preferably by e-mail) if you use this document for your local organizations, newsletters, seminars, web sites, or whatever. We'd like to know that it's useful to you. Also, if you find errors, please tell us about those, too.

If sexually explicit information about sado-masochism might offend you, this document is not for you.

HIV (the virus that can lead to AIDS) can be avoided.
HIV is passed from one person to another when infected

* blood
* semen (cum) or
* vaginal secretions (cunt juice)

goes from one person's body into another, and then makes its way into your bloodstream.

You don't have to worry about

* saliva (spit)
* or perspiration (sweat)
* urine (piss) or feces (shit) on the outside of the body

Always remember to use common sense. Ensure first-aid items are readily to hand. By remembering these basics, you can make any kind of sex safer.

Most SM (BDSM) activities have always been low-risk for getting HIV (Human Immune-deficiency Virus). Responsible SM has always been about practicing safety.

Getting a sexually transmitted disease (STD), like HIV, can be prevented. But there are other possible dangers with SM. For more information on how to avoid these, read material like the

On The Safe Edge: A Manual for SM Play by Trevor Jacques, et al;

Lesbian SM Safety Manual by Pat Califia;

SM101 by Jay Wiseman; Greenery Press

Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns by Molly Devon and Philip Miller. Mystic Rose Books

Generalized information on HIV and STD's is available from most Community Health Centers, doctors' offices/clinics, hospices, or community AIDS organizations.

Use the etiquette of SM. It's really just a matter of expecting the person(s) with whom you're playing. You should agree upon a safety word and what you want to do in a scene before you start the scene. A safety word (or motion) is used by any partner to stop the scene immediately, no questions asked.

There is no shame in using the safety word. It's there for both of you.

You should respect it and your partner's limits and feelings at all times.

Always consider your partner(s). Discuss interests, pleasures, perceived needs, etc.. If you are unsure of a certain sexual or SM activity, then hold off until you're familiar with the safety aspects of it. Find out as much as possible beforehand, so you can you make a decision about how and/or when to proceed.

If you are HIV+, think about how infection with STD's-or re-infection with HIV-could affect your immune system. Bow out when necessary. For example, don't deep throat a sore throat. By being interested in your health and practicing safer sex, you are doing a lot to help stop the transmission of HIV and other STD's.

Always ask before using someone else's toy. They may not want you to use it, or it may be broken. By practicing the guidelines mentioned in this pamphlet, you will be making your contribution to the community of safer SM players.

Lubricants (lube) can be lots of fun, whether used for play or insertion.
Flavored brands can be used externally or for oral sex.

If you're going to insert something into someone, you
should only use a water-based unscented brand-like K-Y, Lubafax, Muco, Safer Sex Lube, Astroglide, or Wet. Never use oil-based lubes (like Crisco or Vaseline); they weaken latex condoms and gloves, making them more likely to break.

Also, during a scene, you shouldn't take lube from a large container. Either buy small portions and throw the packets away afterwards or put enough lube for this play time into something disposable (like a paper cup or plate). Some brands come in pump jars. This makes sure that nobody's "dirty" hand, penis, or whatever can get into your personal supply of lube.

The rectum (ass) is more delicate than most parts of your body and you should take care of it. Sticking things up your rectum- whether it's a finger, cock, dildo, fist, or anything else-can tear the lining of the rectum. Even extremely tiny tears can open up the body and be places where HIV can get in.

Fucking without protection is a high-risk activity, since a penis ejaculates semen (cum). A penis also has a pee hole in the end, which can let viruses in. Always use a latex condom, and use it properly. To put on a condom: first make sure the penis is erect. If it's uncircumcised, pull back the foreskin before putting on the condom. Squeeze the air out of the tip. If the condom is round-ended and doesn't have a tip, squeeze the air out and leave 1cm free at the tip of the penis.

Lubricate the outside of the condom really well with a water-based lube (like K-Y, Muco, Wet, Safer Sex Lube, or Astroglide). Never use oil-based lube (like Crisco or Vaseline); it can damage condoms. Pull out soon after you cum, grabbing the base of the penis to make sure the condom doesn't slip off.
To be extra careful, you can start fucking with a condom, and then pull out before you cum you can then cum on the chest, thighs, hands, or whatever.

If you finger a rectum, be careful not to finger it if you have a cut or sore on your finger, or if you have sharp/long nails. You could also use a latex glove when fingering. As for dildos, make sure they've been cleaned before they go up your rectum (see the section on cleaning toys).

If fisting, fucking, or dildos are part of your sexual activity, some people feel it is very important to have a clean rectum or vagina. But douching, or using enemas before getting fucked, could leave you more open to infection.
They can wash away the surface mucous that's there to protect you.

Never share your douche bag. Clean it each time you use it. Also, don't share the nozzles of metal shower douches. Get a separate nozzle for each friend, label it, and clean it between uses (see the section on cleaning toys).

Douching or enemas should not be used after sex,
because they don't necessarily wash things away-they can also push infected semen, blood or feces further into the body. Infections and bacteria douched up into a woman's uterus and fallopian tubes can cause Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID)-which could lead to infertility, or worse.

Successful play with your vagina (cunt) depends on paying attention to detail, because a great variation of sensation occurs over very small areas.

It's easy to bruise, cut, or tear your vagina, so you should take care to protect it whenever anything goes into it. The inner parts of the vagina are mucous membranes, so a good rule is to make sure that your play is less aggressive here. Anything inserted into the vagina should be properly washed and have no sharp edges.

Your vagina can be damaged in other ways, too-you can:

bruise or scrape the cervix, which is located about 10cm inside the vagina (the exact position varies from woman to woman);

tear the skin between the vagina and the rectum;

bruise the tissue between the pubic bones;

or cut and scrape around the pee-hole.

All of these can open up your body to HIV-or other STD's-making vaginal intercourse without a condom a high risk activity.

A good rule is that too much lubricant is not enough. If you don't use enough, you may cause tears and rips, or a mechanically induced vaginitis.

Vaginal play depends on moving slowly to generate
fairly symmetrical sensations, and remembering that the border between pleasure and pain here is razor thin. So get to know the size and shape of your partner's vagina, and remember that it changes shape depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle and how excited she gets.

When you were growing up, your mother probably told
you to share your toys. Well, for sex toys, forget it! Anything that goes into a person's rectum and/or vagina could transmit HIV or other STD's, if it's shared. Any toy that draws blood can also be a risk.

If you're a bottom, the best idea would be to have your own toys and get your top to use them on you. If you're a top, ask your bottom what toys he or she owns. Or, if having sex with various bottoms, you should assign and mark toys only for them.

For example, if you spank someone with a sturdy wire brush, you're going to draw blood. So, tape the bottom's name onto the back of the brush-maybe even tape the brush to the bottom's leg-but don't use it on anyone else. The same applies to dildos, butt plugs, etc.

You'll need these things to clean your toys:

* soap and hot water
* one part household bleach to nine parts water
* 10% hydrogen peroxide solution

What if you're using a toy on someone and you don't mean to draw blood-but you do? You don't have to throw away your toy. Wash it with soap and hot water, let it soak for 20 minutes in the bleach solution, rinse it in hot, clean water, and then let it dry thoroughly (preferably overnight) before using it again. The same goes for douche nozzles.

Leather toys are a bit different: To clean a leather toy (like a whip, flogger, or leather dildo), first wash the tips or ends with a strong foaming cleaner using a hard bristle brush to get at nooks & crannies in the leather; then spray the tips or ends well with hydrogen peroxide, wipe away the excess with clean towels, & let them air dry for at least a few hours (preferably overnight) before using them. Cleaning dries out the leather very quickly, so your toy should be treated with an acceptable leather conditioner immediately after it has dried, or it will become brittle and crack.

It's a lot easier to clean a dildo after playing if you put a condom on it before you use it. If you are a top, you can probably think of lots of ways to make your bottom put the condom on the dildo.

It may sound complicated, but it isn't really; just make sure any toy with cum, blood, or feces on it, or anything that's been in someone's rectum or vagina is properly cleaned. Make sure you get any bleach or soap off the toy by flushing it with clean water. Remember, unclean shared toys can transmit STD's-which can affect your whole immune system.

Oral sex is considered a low risk activity for getting HIV. It isn't that easy for HIV to get into the bloodstream through the mouth. There have been some cases of people who were infected with HIV by taking semen (cum) in the mouth, however the numbers have been very small. Many of these people had problems in the mouth - like cuts, sores, or recent dental work. No-one has ever caught HIV by having oral sex performed on them.

If you have cuts or sores in your mouth, this could make unprotected oral sex riskier. If this is the case, play it safe and wait until everything is healed, or use an unlubricated or flavored latex condom on your partner.
Condoms will also help protect you from other STD's that can be transmitted through oral sex.

It's also a good idea not to brush or floss your teeth for several hours before performing oral sex, since this can create small cuts and abrasions on your gums.

Oral sex on a woman (licking, eating out, going down on your partner's vagina) is a low risk activity for getting HIV - but you can get other STD's through unprotected sex on a woman. To reduce the risk, you can choose to use a latex barrier (such as an unlubricated condom cut lengthwise) between your mouth and your partner's vagina.

Rimming-licking someone's rectal opening (ass hole)-is low risk for becoming infected with HIV, but high risk for the transmission of other STD's (like herpes, anal warts, and hepatitis A), as well as parasites. If you want to rim, use a condom cut lengthwise to form a sheet of latex, or use a latex barrier like a dental dam (more difficult to find).
Never brush your teeth or tongue just before your sexual play, wait at least 3 to 4 hours.

Rimming can be very enjoyable for your partner but always take precautions to ensure your own safety-avoid leaving yourself open to STD's.

Both urine and feces are fine on the outside of the body. Urine in your mouth is a low-risk activity for getting HIV, but with an infected bladder there is a high risk of catching other STD's.

If you take feces in your mouth, there is also the possibility of catching other STD's or parasites. Never brush your teeth or tongue just before playing, wait at least 3 to 4 hours, and never play when you have cold sores, cankers, or cuts in your mouth.

If there are any cuts on the outside of the skin, don't urinate (piss) or defecate (shit) near the cut(s). Remember that a pimple (zit) is also a cut.

Fists are big things. They can create more serious tears in the rectum or vagina than most sexual activities. If you get fisted, you're going to have to treat your rectum and / or vagina very, very carefully.

Immediately after you've been fisted, never let anything else (a penis, dirty dildo, or a finger with semen, feces, or blood on it) into your rectum or vagina that might be carrying HIV or other STD's.
Always hold true to this.

If you are going to fist, wear latex gloves. They protect both the top and the bottom. Surgical gloves are the best. They usually go part of the way up the arm and are good for most fistings. If you are going to be fisting deeply, use a calving glove. You can buy them at veterinarian supply stores.

Calving gloves can bunch up, though, and the wrinkles can cut the lining of the rectum or vagina. To avoid this, cut the finger and thumb sections off the calving glove to leave the glove covering the palm of your hand, including the base of your thumb. Then put a surgical glove over the calving glove.

Don't fist if your fingernails are long. Cut them and smooth them down with an emery board, since they can tear the fisting glove or the bottom's rectum or vagina. If you have an open wound or hangnails on your hand(s), don't fist with that hand, even with the precaution of gloves. Be sure the glove stays well lubed while you're using it (see the section on lubricants). When pulling out (as with condoms), make sure to grab the open end of the glove so that it doesn't slip off.

If you want to have a permanent piercing, make sure the rings or bars are new and sterile. You might be able to find a doctor or nurse to do the piercing in a sterile way. If you can't, have it done by or learn from a professional piercer. Make sure the bars or rings are properly soaked in bleach and then rinsed in water before they're inserted. Make sure only new sterile needles are used and then only on one person. If a temporary piercing is part of a scene, make sure you use sterile, disposable needles.
Use them once-only once-on one person. Then dispose of them safely. (See the section on cleaning needles, and disposing of needles under Drugs and Alcohol).

As for branding, heat-branding is safe because of the high temperatures involved (heat kills HIV). Knife-branding should only be done with a knife that's been soaked in bleach for twenty minutes and then rinsed with water.

Better yet, you can use a sterile scalpel with a disposable blade (scalpels can be bought at medical supply stores). Use it once, put it in a strong narrow-necked plastic container, put the lid back on, and throw it in the garbage.

For piercing, branding, or shaving, any drops of blood should be wiped away with sterile cotton balls. Soak the cotton ball in rubbing alcohol. You can also buy pre-soaked separately wrapped cotton balls called "alcohol preps" or "alcohol rub." After use, put them in a plastic bag, tie up the bag, and put it in the garbage.

When starting a piercing, branding, or shaving scene, the area of the skin should first be wiped with rubbing alcohol, "alcohol preps," "Hibitane(R)," or "staphene(R)" to remove any fine dirt trapped by the skin's oil.

If there's no break in the skin during whipping or flogging, then there's no problem at all. Depending on the material that the whip, quirt, or cat-o'-nine-tails is made of and the way it is used, it can draw blood if the skin is broken.

During a flogging or whipping scene, wipe up the blood the same way you would for piercing or branding, and always clean your flogger/whips (see the section on cleaning toys).

When in a more public forum, you should avoid breaking the skin, as blood can be flicked from the flogger/whip during the return of the stroke.

Electrical equipment (like the "Relax-A-Cisor" machine
or "Violet Wand")

probably won't break skin, so there's not much risk of getting HIV from it. If it does break skin, wipe up any blood with disposable, sterile cotton balls soaked in hydrogen peroxide, and cover the broken skin with a Band-Aid.(R) Since flexible, sticky electrical contacts pick up dirt from the skin, use them on one person only. If you get bodily fluids on them, throw them away and get new ones. There is no way to clean them.

Only use electric charges below the belly button-you don't want the electric charge to affect the heart or the brain's own electric system.

If you're into SM (BDSM), you have to keep your wits about you. Mind-altering drugs like tranquilizers, uppers, or hallucinogens are not recommended. If you use them, you'll be more likely to make mistakes.

Alcohol can have the same effect. Too much drugs or alcohol leads to unsafe activities.

As for "poppers," they make your blood vessels bigger. This may increase your risk of infection with HIV when you get fucked. Poppers are also hard on your heart and immune system.

If you use injection drugs, a very easy way to pass on HIV is by sharing your needles, syringes, or cookers. Use your own works and never share them unless they are properly cleaned in bleach and water.

To clean your needle and syringe properly:

1) Fill the syringe completely with sterile water, shake it, and squirt it out.

2) Fill the syringe with full-strength bleach and squirt a little out. Leave the rest in for 30 seconds, then squirt it out.
3) Repeat step 2.

4) Fill the syringe with sterile water, shake it, and squirt it out. 5) Repeat step 4 twice more.

Bleach and sterile water can be obtained from your local needle exchange.

To dispose of your needle and syringe properly:

Once a needle or scalpel is used, make sure the cap is put back on gently and the whole thing is placed in a strong, narrow-necked plastic container (with its lid on) before disposal, so no-one handl-ing your garbage gets pricked. You can also use a "sharps" container (see your local needle exchange).

Sir's Note: Recapping your own personal use needle may not be a threat.. However...Any nurse will tell you that 90% of all needle sticks happen when re-capping a needle. Nurses who have been trained in the decade since AIDS, are taught to never re-cap a needle. Simply deposit the used needle in a sharps container.

We developed this document with the help of experts in the field of education, as well as people experienced in safe, sane, and consensual BDSM. For maximum effect, we have used frank language specifically aimed at the target audience; not to shock but to speak to them in their own words.

Educational research indicates that this direct, non-judgmental presentation, using slang equivalents of the correct terms, ensures effective use of pamphlets like this. In the printed version of this document, we have also used photographs and design to help maintain the reader's interest throughout the text.

For copies of the illustrated, four-color version of this document, please contact the AIDS Committee of Toronto (address below) or send an e-mail message to SaferSM@SaferSM.org.

The development and printing of this pamphlet was funded exclusively by the SM community within Metro Toronto.

If you have found this document useful, please consider making a donation to the Safer SM Education project (mention the project by name when you send your donation to the AIDS Committee of Toronto). This helps us keep the education going.

Thank you to these supporters:
Alternate Sources,
The Barracks,
Northbound Leather,
POWERarts
The National Leather Association-Toronto, Spearhead Toronto,

Dan Bowers,
Michael Hamilton,
Trevor Jacques,
Dr. Dale McCarthy,
Rachael Melzack,
Dennis O'Connor,
Sniffer,
David Stein,
and the many generous donations made at the AIDS Committee SM101 seminars.

Special thanks to John Maxwell at A.C.T.

The AIDS Committee of Toronto Safer SM Education
Project 399 Church Street,
4th. floor, Toronto, Ontario M5B 2J6

Office: 416-340-2437 Hotline: 416-340-8844

TTY/TDD: 416-340-8122 Facsimile: 416-340-8224

E-Mail:SaferSM@SaferSM.org

URL: http://www.saferSM.org/SaferSM.html

Text ©The AIDS Committee of Toronto, August & October,1996