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A little about
me
Hello, my name is epiphany^ and i have known
Sir since 1996. O/our relationship has taken on many forms over the
years. He has been my Mentor and i am honored when ever i am in service
to Him. We have always shared a deep friendship. Things haven’t
always been smooth for U/us, and in spite of many rocky times there
is a special bond W/we share that will always be treasured in my heart.
i am in my early thirties and have just realized my dream
of becoming a veterinarian, and am currently working on my specialty
training. Like just about everything i do it was a roundabout path to
that degree. After growing up in upstate NY i joined the Navy for a
time and saw the world before returning to school to pursue that dream.
There are no regrets for the path i took, because i needed the extra
time to be ready to put the effort required into my studies.
There has always been something of a submissive well hidden
within me, though most who know me well would be surprised at that admission.
It never was an obvious thing, and i think in many ways i repressed
it for the longest time simply because there was that traditional “barefoot
and pregnant” role attached to it. That role seemed at odds with
my dreams and the goals i have for myself. i secretly looked for the
man who could “put me in my place” but never would allow him
to do that. As a result i ended up with boyfriends who i could control,
leading me to lose respect and interest in them rather quickly. Seemingly
in contrast with that i still tended to mold my life around whatever
man i was seeing at the time. His friends were my friends, his interests
were mine (even if they weren’t originally) and when things went
south i moved on to a new man, and a new set of friends and activities.
After a time i saw this pattern and ended up taking some time off from
relationships, and figuring out who i was and what i wanted.
During my hiatus from relationships i came to know about
D/s from the Internet. i read erotica regularly and was drawn to the
BDSM in the relationships i read about. The pain play and the arousal
the idea brought to me fascinated me. i have to admit to being surprised
by my interest in that area. While i didn’t question my interest
in submission, i did note that it seemed contrary to my nature, except
in my darkest desires. i grew bolder and started to chat on IRC, ending
up in the D/s channels and seeing the beginnings of the lifestyle that
now is a part of me. It was on IRC that i met Sir and after a false
start and some fear tackling started to learn the heart of D/s.
My early interests were the pain/sex play, and i wasn’t
all that interested in submission outside of the bedroom so to speak.
Along with that i wasn’t so sure i was ever going to experience
D/s in real life, but with each new experience online i wanted more
and more to experience the reality.
After a couple of years i
planned a trip to visit Sir. It was an experience that forever changed
me, especially my attitude towards my submission. The first time i was
ordered to get a drink for Sir still lingers in my mind. i believe i
calmly replied “Yes Sir” and proceeded out to the refrigerator.
On the way i almost stopped and returned without the requested drink
several times. i clearly remember standing there with the door open,
and picking up and returning the soda to its spot on the shelf a couple
of times. i had to tell myself that i agreed to submission, and this
was a part of serving and pleasing. Over the course of the trip i was
exposed to many different aspects of submission, and was rather surprised
at how powerful the experience of giving up control was. There was a
freedom i have never experienced elsewhere in my life. The writing Sir
assigned at the end of that visit focuses on that freedom, and my discovery
of subspace. i still have my moments when i struggle with accepting
direction and being obedient. i thrill and fly with the sensation, but
have come to crave just as much the giving over of the control.
The next big learning experience i had that came about through
my submission was facing my fears. My nature has always been one that
dreads failure, and as a result i can easily be controlled by fear.
Sir has taught me to learn to face those fears, and when i do i never
feel as if i was facing them alone. These fears often relate to things
that happened in my past, and prevented me from moving forward with
my future. One specific fear was of needles, and i devised an interesting
way to get over that fear. Read my piercing tales to find out how i
managed to face and defeat something that haunted me since childhood.
Trying to catalog all that i have learned from my submission
would take forever. About two years into my submission i was given an
assignment to measure my growth. It was the most challenging writing
i have done for Sir, but it served to make clear to me those things
that were somewhat intangible because of the slow progression change
can be. The most important thing that has happened is it has given a
little balance in my life.
Submission is the place where i am safe, small and protected,
which allows me the freedom to simply feel, and savor the sensation
of feeling. i am free to express my fears, and concerns and things of
that nature, without feeling weak and exposed. i have learned to trust,
and risk a little in situations that once would have shut me down. Through
the years there have been trials of that trust. i have been asked to
reach out to someone who hurt me, because she was hurting more. Despite
my fear i worked through it and grew from the experience. It didn’t
have the ideal outcome, but i no longer put up walls instantly when
hurt. i am much more willing to forgive, and to rebuild the relationship.
i have become more adventurous, and much less afraid of failure. Taking
on new challenges no longer paralyzes me. i still fear, but recognize
it, and use it to motivate me to my goal. Fear is good because it makes
me aware of the possibilities, but the worst case scenario i build in
my mind rarely happens.
i have faith in myself, and value myself as a person. My
confidence is something that to this day amazes me. i face new challenges
every day, and somehow things have always worked out ok. i make mistakes,
but instead of trying to hide them i face up and deal with it. In doing
so i am able to learn more and grow from the experience. The most important
thing i learned is to love myself though. Each of the parts above contributed
to that happening. i have been lucky enough to see each piece come together
to make the whole. It took a long time to do, but has made my strength
real instead of the “tough” image that i used to project.
Sir challenged me to take my health seriously. i can say
without hesitation that it was the hardest undertaking of my life. Those
who know me, know that i don’t do the easy things, but this was
something i did in the beginning half heartedly at best, and needed
further challenges to really make it come together. i managed to make
some great changes in my diet and exercise that impacted every aspect
of my life. i have to admit i have slipped far since that essay, and
am not at my original goal. i hate to admit i may never reach that goal,
but there are still many of the things i learned through that time that
are still present in my life.
Since i have graduated from school and moved into and beyond
my internship, i have been facing new challenges daily. There are days
when i am amazed at what i am capable of doing, and how much i have
learned. It gives me a great sense of satisfaction. Of course going
along with the word “internship” there are days when i am
feeling beaten down and like the worst doctor on the planet. Those are
the days i come home and slip into my submission like a comforting blanket.
It rejuvenates me and i don’t tend to have 2 bad days in a row,
even if i have 2 days in a row without food, or sleep. My submission
is a part of me that makes me stronger and better able to handle the
rest of my life. i look forward to the adventures to come.
i hope that sharing my words, struggles and experiences
here are of value to Doms, subs and the unsure curious, alike. Sir is
good about having me document the evolution and "epiphanys"
i have expereinced since i gave this part of myself over to him so many
years ago. Please feel free to explore that which I have shared through
this web site. He is a wonderful man with a dear family of lifestyle
partners and associates, I look forward to the road ahead.
epiphany's
home page
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