Support This Site Shop Vanilla-Not.com Market

epiphany^'s Growth Several years ago I began a D/s journey with a most remarkable young woman whom we know here as epiphany^. Stubborn, hard headed yet etremely intelligent and capable of incredible warmth . Not one most would even consider "submissive" because she doesn't take any c--p from anyone. An on line friend had suggested we get together.. I am not sure anyone knew at the time that the former cheri^ and I would end up accomplishing so much in a D/s relationship. epiphany^ first met me online in 1996 . She came here to Texas twice in 1998 . On her first visit she discovered subspace (and got her new scene name) and wrote an essay about it. Her second visit she got a clit hood piercing and shared that with readers. She plans another visit soon. She has also ventured into her first full fantasy writing with a new offering coming to the Creative pages. But to be honest much of the time epiphany^ is involved in persuing a demanding degree at a prestigious NE University and I sit here in Texas juggling work, family, my D/s commitments here and this web site. Often , epiphany^ and I might chat every week or two. Sometimes a month or more goes by with little contact. In fact therre was a period of several months one summer where we were incommunicado. If we speak via phone once or twice every three months we are doing well. Still the dedication is strong Her forward motion easy to measure. She has gone from a petulant guarded "angry with the world" young lady, to a much more open warm and nurturing woman, comfortable with her natural leadership skills and able to connect the issues of her past with her behaviors of today and not let them control her future. Giving it over to someone else, for epiphany^ , has meant going through doors she may never have explored on her own, discovering pure joy in her sexuality and learning that change need not be feared but rather embraced. Over the past few months epiphany^ had taken to thanking me and extohling the virture of our association at each turn. While I have seen her change, I could not take credit singularly for all her growth. As an assignment ,designed both as a method of better communication and as a mile marker or assessment of where we have come epiphany^ was asked to share what she truely see's as the change. For it is much more important for someone to see and measure their own growth then just be told they have grown. Herein her words; 01.13.99 Sir, this is the hardest of the essays you have asked me to write. Not only because it reaches deep inside me, but also because while I know that I have grown and changed because of our relationship, it has been subtle. Those subtle changes are not as easy for me to see, until something happens to clue me in, or you point it out. The biggest changes I have noticed revolve around my confidence and strength. Because you have loved me unconditionally, and in spite of my shortcomings it has helped me to accept myself as I am. And if there is something I don't like, then I can change it. After all you hold my hand through that all the time. I am sitting here trying to determine how much of this has come through our friendship, and how much has come through my service to you as a submissive. The more I think on it, I believe they are hopelessly intertwined. The revelations you have shown me about myself, and the advice of yours I accepted always had at least a subtle amount of D/s in them. I always listened to you with respect, and many times didn't realize I was headed for growth. You always are so proud of the changes I make, and seem so appreciative of how your seed planting never fails to grow. I have heard you praise me with wonder, and awe. When that happens I really am surprised that something has changed. Looking back over the past two and a half years I feel stronger, and more assured of myself. I believe in my value and myself. I believe I can and do have something to contribute, that is worthwhile, and I am not afraid to say it. I take on challenges I never would have dreamed possible a few years ago. This is a very good thing considering I will be a vet shortly, and I need that kind of confidence to effectively treat patients. I also spend less time second-guessing myself. With this increase in confidence has come a proportionate decrease in fear. Actually I am not so sure that there is less fear, but more courage to face and defeat it. I am less controlled by those emotions. I have learned to use fear in a positive way. It makes me think, but doesn't paralyze me as much anymore. I am struggling with finding specific instances to relate to you Sir, because things built on one another over time. The first place I noticed it was in the talk we had so long ago about my ex-boyfriend, Sir. It was probably the most heart wrenching night I had had in years. You wouldn't give up; you made me face that the pain I was feeling was my own doing, because I refused to end it in my mind. That was so hard to admit to myself, let alone to you. But it was the thing I needed to do. And after that, I spent many hours contemplating the things you said, what you shared about your own life in the same regard. It was a very hard decision for me to end it in my mind. It had become such a security; that pain. It was a great excuse to never let anyone in again. It was also a great way to avoid being real, and honest in relationships. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever consciously done; telling myself it was over, and really ending it in my mind. Once I was able to really admit to myself that it was a hope not worth hanging onto I know that I felt much freer. I was able to open up with myself and with others in a way I hadn't in years, if ever. It was the beginning of a journey that you have led me on to becoming a stronger person. The next really big step I noticed in that journey was when I first visited you last year. So many barriers were broken down in that trip. Probably the most amazing to me was the self-acceptance I gained. You gave me your heart, and your affection, and appreciation and I believed you. That little action on are your part probably helped me to love myself more than anything else ever has. The second huge difference that came about from that trip was my admission regarding a husband. Now I may not admit it to anyone else, but I don't think from that time on that I have railed against it in talking with you like I always did before. While I am not looking for a relationship, I am not opposed to one anymore. And I even admit that someday it might happen to other people in my life. I still haven't gotten over wanting the fairy tale, but I am more willing to work at it when the time comes. In those few days you taught me to embrace my sexuality, my nature, and myself. My passion has done nothing but grow since then. I don't just mean my passion in sexual matters, although that has definitely happened as well, but my passion in life. I feel things more deeply, and I can give my heart easier. I trust myself again, that I can make good decisions, and that I can risk things. I don't doubt myself as much as I did before. I have become more decisive and self assured in my decisions. Those decisions are also made with thought now. I think about the outcomes of the choices, and I don't pick the safest, but the one that will gain me the reward I want, even if there is some risk. You showed me that a step of faith isn't a plunge off a cliff, and that the thing I feared most was least likely to happen. I can't begin to explain how that happened, I just know it did. You taught me to risk even where I was sure the risk wasn't worth it. I don't think you realize how hard it was for me to call t after she ran away. I had been so shook up, that I seriously considered backing away from you. The things I had been told were so twisted, but had just enough truth behind them to scare the hell out of me. Then to be asked to reach out to the person who caused it. That was hard for me. I spent almost an entire day crying, agonizing over it, but in the end I did reach out. I don't regret it, still, despite the gulf that still exists between her and I. A year previous to that I would have simply refused your request, out of hand. I would have moved on and never given her a chance. I would have held on to the pain and anger, and walled off any chance of being close again. There was so much pain from that, the betrayal I felt, that it scared me. But I didn't just stuff it away. I hurt for the closeness that was lost, and I wanted it back. I wanted to give her another chance. I wanted to see if we could be friends again. I even still am sad that it won't happen. I grew to love her more in that short time than I could have ever imagined. I can't believe on that second trip that I actually did tell her that, confront and share with her why I felt so hurt. I was able to truly let go of the pain, and forgive her. Had she only made a little effort to keep in touch with me, I believe we would have rebuilt that friendship. Another area I have noticed changes in me is in my creative paths. I have always hated writing, but recently been exploring some of my fantasies in writing. It has become a great way for me to share things with you, but also an outlet for me to explore little ideas that come into my head that would make the start to a great scene. This could go along with the overall increasing passion. I was surprised at the fun I had while writing my first fantasy. I took an idea that I had toyed with in my head and combined it with some reality I had experienced and let it follow a path that I could enjoy. It dealt with fear, and managing it. It also was making that small step of faith and putting trust out in spite of trepidation. It was a freeing experience and I am looking forward to my next attempt at creative writing. Now as I sit here thinking, I realize that I have taken on some really tough jobs of late. These are things I could never have attempted at all without the hard work you have put into me over the last couple of years. Believe it or not you have taught me by example to delegate, and to allow others to help out. I can see my limits, and in doing so, ask for help. Ahhh asking for things. That is one that I am slowly learning. I so fear rejection, that I refused to let anyone help me. I refused to state what I need, or want. The biggest reason I did this was that a no was automatically assumed to mean "I hate you. I don't want to be bothered by you. You are worthless," or a million other things directed at me personally. Slowly I am learning that no isn't a reflection of someone's feelings about me. It just means that something cannot be done for whatever reason, and isn't personal. It is still hard expressing the deeper needs, but each small step gives me more confidence to open up a little more. - epiphany E-mail epiphany..

Top of Page

A D/s Web Center | Basics | Vanilla-Not Market | Real Life | Dominant Voices | submissives Speak
Calendar | D/s Near By | Fetish & Kink Links | Books & Reading |
Art & Fiction | Vanilla-Not People | Groups / Links | Readers Write

All content on this site except as noted, is © copyright D/s Web Center
No duplication is permitted without express written permission