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Taking Care of the Toys       03.2000 It is important to note that in submission, your first rule or mandate is to take care of the Dominant's possessions. In learning to treat yourself better you are adopting a sense of service and ritual that serves you well no matter where your journey takes you. Sir wrote those words to me not so long ago in one of those emails meant to uplift and encourage one. Praise for something accomplished, and pride in hard work is so evident in the communication we share. i can't take all the credit. Sir has been right there all along, teaching, coaching, admonishing, and supporting. i am one of the fortunate women, the most fortunate of women, to have spent the last three years serving Sir. This writing is a progress report of the last task assigned by Sir. Even though i no longer serve Him, it is something i continue to work at, with His support and help. It is not a task completed as of yet, but it will be, in time. Last July, my last visit with Sir, there was one horribly difficult monologue (i have to call it that, i was speechless) one morning as we snuggled and shared a few precious moments alone. Most of it i do not remember. The gist got through, and i remember bits and pieces of things. Sir addressed something i long ago had given up on. He told me i needed to do something about my weight. Not in those words, but i can't remember what He actually did say. i remember suggestions of paying attention to what i was eating, and starting to exercise. Somewhere there was the mention of a chart (don't ask me what of, i have no clue), and He related it to health. It seemed to last for an hour, but probably was no more than 5 minutes. i buried my face in His chest, couldn't look at Him and most certainly couldn't speak. i can't describe what i was feeling at that time. i wanted to escape, for it to be over, to not have to listen.   So many times before i have tried to lose weight, only to fail miserably within a few weeks. i had grown more secure with myself, since His love wasn't conditional based on my size and looks. It terrified me that this could be changing. He assured me this was not the case even though i never said what i was feeling out loud (Sir has a wonderful way of reading minds although He denies it vehemently). His last words on the subject were something to the effect of "If you only lose 5 pounds, that's ok. It is 5 pounds healthier you will be. I want you healthy and with me for a long time." So then came the follow through on that idea. i definitely didn't want to, but always with Sir it has been like this. i feel like He finds the closets in my mind, opens the door, asks if i like the mess, and leaves me to clean it up. And i have to clean it up, i can't stand seeing something wrong and leaving it alone. In spite of all good intentions to lose 5 pounds and leave it at that somehow this became a lifestyle thing and is still going on. Not that it is in anyway a bad thing; just something i never dreamed would happen. When i got home i took a good look at my eating habits. i ate meat and bread, and sweets. Those are not good combinations for healthy eating. So i started adding fruits and vegetables to my diet. i didn't get really heavy duty, just made little changes. i also reduced meat to one meal a day and really knocked down the bread intake. It helped because by September when i went shopping i had to buy clothes that were a size smaller than i had been wearing, and my jeans that had been too tight to wear at the end of the school year were now loose and needed a belt. Shortly after my return from my visit, i had asked Sir to go over what He had said that morning because i couldn't remember. He never did, and i never asked again. i never reported on any progress either. It still was very much an area i didn't want to deal in. i had no idea how much i weighed, and didn't have anything more than a little subjective info on if there was any progress. i also started doing some old exercise tapes i had hiding in a closet. i wasn't exactly vigilant doing them, and as soon as i got a cold that stopped. i detest exercise in all forms except horseback riding if that can be considered exercise. And i can't ride at the moment since my horse lives 2 hours away from me. One evening while Sir and i were talking He brought it up. He said He imagined there would be a big surprise for Him on my next visit since i knew His wishes and i never let Him down. i told him i doubted it would be a big surprise, but that i thought there was a difference. The conversation got harder from here. i admitted that exercise died with my cold the month prior, and that i knew i needed to start it again. And in the end it was determined that i would be logging my food intake, exercise, resting and workout heart rates, weekly weigh-ins, and measurements. All of these were to be included with my daily journal, which was in itself nearly impossible, because i hate writing too. The next day He expected a commitment statement from me, dedicating myself to this new "lifestyle" as He keeps putting it, and to give Him a vision for what i wanted to look like. During this talk, i let out a little of my fear. i told Him i was so scared of failure, of the day i had to admit i didn't exercise because i didn't want to, or when i got caught in a sweets attack. i was scared of the chiding, and disapproval i knew would be coming, because there was just no way i could actually be perfect in this. Sir reassured me that it wasn't about failure, that it was a struggle He shared as well, and that there was room for the occasional candy bar. Making the decision not to let little setbacks cause me to give up was the hardest part. So the next day out to the mall i went in search of a tape measure and scale, and a journal for this food thing. There wasn't any less apprehension about this, but more a fatalistic feeling of this is how it has to be. i got home, and got on that scale and saw what seemed to me a surprising number. i weighed 271 pounds. The last time i remember being on a scale was 2 years previous when i was seeing a doctor, and then it said 286 pounds. While i can't prove it, i am sure i had gained weight between then and the start of this adventure. So in my mind i was starting out with success, being 15 pounds less than the last time i weighed myself. Positive thoughts were needed wherever i could find them. The measuring tape then came out and all those numbers were recorded. Next i sat down and wrote that commitment. i didn't have a number for weight, just a jeans size (14) as a goal. i promised to exercise 4 days a week, and not to allow a setback to make me give up. All that went over pretty well with Sir. Then He added taking a daily vitamin to the regime, and demanding that a target heart rate be achieved in every workout. i grudgingly agreed, in spite of the fact that i completely disagreed with the principle. i did eventually explain to Him that i felt vitamins to be a waste of money if a diet was well balanced and provided them. i also felt that it was quite important to do strength building exercises as a preventive for the dreaded osteoporosis, and that those exercises may not get the heart rate up as high. Even before my little venting i went along with His wishes and made the workouts cardiovascular, and took vitamins. i was more content following His orders once i had vented though. He also challenged me to give up caffeine. i was able to do that and have once since then had some, only to find myself ravenous for the rest of the day. i don't think i will be going back to it anytime soon. From the very beginning i was losing weight with a great take off week. i even managed to lose over Thanksgiving. The exercise was happening faithfully, 4 times a week, and i was hitting that target heart rate thing every time. A few weeks in Sir noted that which days i exercised and which i didn't had no pattern to them. Another discussion ensued in which it was determined that i would set days, and somewhere in there add one. The added one was to come in December when i had my Christmas vacation from school. At the time we talked about this i was pretty stressed, and really tired from the adjustment of my thyroid medication, so i got to put off the adding a day. i picked vacation because it was 3 weeks and time to make it a habit before i had to get back into classes. My first setback came at Christmas. From the 23rd until the 26th my eating was way out of control. i kept up the exercise faithfully through this though, and the only penalty was not losing any that one week. By Christmas i had lost 40 pounds and was at 246. i started losing again the next week. This has kept up at an average of 2-3 pounds a week. i have had a couple other no loss weeks, but these were immediately followed by a 5-6 pound loss the next, so was probably more a fluctuation thing than a slowdown in weight loss. i have only missed exercise for a week being sick with the flu, and one day i had 3 final exams, so i switched the exercise to the day after which was supposed to be my day off. This amazes me still because i still hate it. i have lost a total of 64 pounds as of the time of this writing, 1 _ inches from my arm, 4 inches from my waist, 8 inches from my hips, and 4 inches from my thigh. i now weigh 222 pounds. i have never been able to accomplish this much before, no matter how i tried, so i still feel amazed when i say those numbers. All this stuff is well and good, but the original goal of this was to become healthier. i feel so different from what i did a year ago. i have energy i never dreamed of. i haven't taken a nap in i can't remember how long because i haven't been tired. The resting heart rate has lowered significantly. i dance around my house to music; i can't seem to sit still. i have the energy to go out and do things with my friends, that i always wanted to do, but felt too tired to. My exercise variety has grown. i started with aerobics tapes, and got a stair stepper as well. Now that the weather is turning nice with spring i have been out walking more. One day i even ran some; i just had THAT much energy. i got a bike a few days ago, and am working up to being able to ride it to school. The trip is about 6 miles with lots of hills, and i can do almost 4 without wanting to die. My mood is so different. i am almost always happy, and rarely grumpy now. i see the positive side of things, and don't feel as controlled by circumstances for my mood. Now that's not to say i don't have my moments of dread and fear, but they are less and less, and certainly don't make me bitchy. It takes a lot more to get me angry today, and i don't stay mad for anytime at all. i like being happy. i sleep better at night, waking up less. And i am ALWAYS awake before the alarm. That sucks, i liked my sleep. All along the way Sir has been there, supporting and praising me. His pride is so evident, and at times makes me want to cry. He's challenged me to do more, and He's also caught me when chocolate becomes a food group. i need someone there holding my hand so to speak. A new challenge awaits me starting tomorrow. i enter the final phase of my education, and to say it will be time consuming is an understatement. i am scared i won't find time to exercise, or even to have lunch. Many of my classmates have already told of days without sleep, 5 minutes to guzzle a mountain dew, and have a candy bar. i am planning on keeping bite-sized food in my pockets, such as pretzels, grapes, and carrot sticks, so i can nibble while running down the hallway. And there are emotional issues that led to my overeating to begin with that haven't been dealt with yet that i think will be coming up. i have been struggling with cravings lately, and need to take some time in figuring out why. This isn't stopping here though. i am determined to reach that goal i set. i suspect it will take me another year, but at my graduation i just might be the person i wanted to be. That would be great, achieving my lifelong dream and being the healthiest i have ever been in my life. Thank you Sir for being my inspiration, motivation and support through all this. You are a treasured friend. see also epiphany's piercing and epiphany's growth

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