SUBSPACE
A first visit
In July of 1998 I had the opportunity to entertain
a real life visit with an on line D/s friend of several years.
epiphany^ is her pen name. Often
she would ask me if subspace was real or to describe what it is like.
It is real. But it is like trying to ask the tour bus driver what the
inside of the cathedral looks like. I can get you there, but it is a
very personal experience. Or asking a male to describe childbirth. nuff
said.
Epiphany had a 4 day experience,
meeting others and finally getting to experience those things she had
only visited on line or by phone. Here is her account of the sensation
of sub space.
8/98 - Bad^
The telling of my first real life experiences
as a submissive are not going to be about the physical that happened,
but will focus on the emotional and spiritual aspect for me. There were
so many feelings and revelations of sorts that I have not really found
the words to express it clearly. The best one I have heard so far was
flying...and I was flying, but there was so much more.
The first simple act of submission
I performed was to kneel by His side. It felt right and perfect. I felt
safe, cherished, loved, and calmer than ever in my life. These were
not only rare feelings for me, but more intense than I have ever felt
them.
The spanking I received was the most
amazing experience. It was where I first found subspace.
What is subspace? Without experiencing
it I am not sure one can know. I know I had so often heard the term,
but my idea in my head did not at all compare with reality. There was
intense pain, but so hard to remember now to describe it. The result
of it was a high I never experienced before, never from the drugs I
had lived on in my youth, never from the alcohol that nearly replaced
the drugs. Not even from the thrill I gained in saving life, a truly
exhilarating experience. Connecting to my inner self, being freed to
just respond. Allowing my sexual, and my sensual side to rule.
I know I am harping on the freedom,
but it's so true. The past is gone, the future not a concern. The moment...that
is all there is. The current sensation and the response it evokes, be
it a scream, a whimper, or a cry. Ecstasy....Does not just describe
a sexual feeling, it describes the sheer pleasure found in being alive,
free and feeling. There is not another word to describe it. The experience
was nothing less than exquisite.
The night I was played with wax and
ice was such a sensual experience for me. I slipped into subspace as
soon as the ice touched me. I began floating and was unaware of anything
but my own body. I felt every nerve ending against my skin. I sensed
the warmth of the wax hitting me, feeling nothing more than pure awareness
of myself. Opened up and floating, the only words that come close to
the reality of the feeling. On occasions there was a different candle
used, one that burned hotter. Those drops of wax stung and awakened
my senses. I moved on to another level flying even higher, or maybe
just deeper into the sensation. Each round I became increasingly aware
just of feeling. Freedom to feel the amazing heights to which I flew.
Not held down by anything, not focused on anything other than the moment.
There was no past, no future, no one else entered my awareness. Just
the moment, the stings, the warmth, the cold, the contrast, the feeling
etched into my memory forever. Freedom to just feel, nothing compares
to it.
With the more intense submission I
was able to give myself over to the feeling. I was not trying to work
things, and manipulate them. I was not looking for a goal. I just felt,
and reacted. I felt so free, as if there was nothing apart from that
moment, that sensation, that feeling. I connected with an inner part
of myself I long denied. I became beautiful, secure with my body, and
my feelings, and my reactions. Something I must say I have never felt
as I did then.
There was incredible pain at times,
but I truly cannot remember the pain. It is similar to what women say
about the pain of childbirth, a good kind of pain where the results
make it worthwhile. I LOVED the pain, I really did, and wish I had a
clearer memory of it. The pain was a way of opening me...from there
I flew up to a place that cannot be described with words.
There was a connection within myself
I found amazing. I felt alive in a way I never experienced before. I
have long been an acknowledged commitment phobic, and in many ways still
am. However, this experience allowed me to be secure enough with myself
and my sexuality to admit that yes...someday I would like to have a
someone special as a partner in life. It was in many ways always there...just
very hidden and denied vehemently. Now it's okay for me to want that,
and to admit to it. I still am looking for a fairy tale, but now I acknowledge
the hope that someday it will come.
it
image © copyright 1999 D/s
Web Center art by wendy
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