sunshine

i am sunshine. i have been in service to Sir since November of 1998. He collared me November 2000 on Oour second anniversary. It was a complete surprise to me, but also one of the happiest moments i can remember. November 14th, 2004 We concluded our D/s and SO arrangement amicably and remain good friends.

Here is my story:

i have been kinky for as long as i can remember. As a child i loved to watch tv shows where someone was tied up, taken hostage, given truth serum or anything where one person was under the control or spell of another. i recall asking my mother after an episode of Batman why Batman never actually got hurt by the bad guys. That's what i wanted to see! as young as seven or eight i would spank myself with a flyswatter. i discovered orgasms very early on and went through a guilty spell about it until i was in middle school. No one ever gave me the "talk" about sex, although once, in my guilt, having confessed to my mother i had masturbated, was told not to do so because i would hurt myself! i was allowed access to all reading material without question and discovered Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden in Junior High. i owe a lot to my understandings about sexuality to her and through reading her books i lost my guilt over masturbation and other of my fetishes.

i had a pretty vanilla sex life through my twenties. i wanted my boyfriends to tie me up, spank me, anything out of the ordinary. i would even tie them up and spank them in an effort to show them what i wanted, but they ended up wanting me to do that to them all the time. i kept hoping i would just run into another kinky person while dating. During this time my girlfriend gave me a photocopied copy of SM 101 by Jay Wiseman and Macho Sluts by Pat Califia. i wanted to try the stuff in those books so badly, but i was too shy to talk to her about it.

During this time i was experimenting with drugs and alcohol and sleeping with multiple partners. my last boyfriend introduced me to a whole new world of clubbing, hustling, prostitution, homelessness and serious drugs. i was extremely blessed to have the good sense never to go with any of the men who propositioned me, but my boyfriend turned tricks with men all the time for money, drugs or both. He also was a heavy IV drug user, although not really while i was with him. Before i met him and my girlfriend, i had no experience with IV drugs or crack. Finally he gave me a wonderful gift by leaving me a dear jane note. i immediately went to our local bar and was told that for the last two weeks he had been sleeping with someone else and had gone to another city. my friends tried to buy me drinks to make me feel better, but i called some of my "normal" friends to pick me up and the next day i went into rehab. while i was running the streets, i had the good fortune to run into many recovery angels who helped to plant the seeds that i might have a problem.

And so i began the journey into recovery. i could honestly say that my life began at this point. i started looking at my patterns in relationships and how difficult it was for me to ask to get my needs met and to express any real feelings at all. i took a three year hiatus from sex and relationships and although that may sound severe to some, it was probably the most important thing i ever did for myself. i created a solid life for myself with a good support system and wonderful friends. i learned that i am a human being worthy of being treated with honor, respect and dignity.

i knew from my gay friends that SM clubs existed in their community, so i searched for some in the straight community. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. i found EROS. It was a wonderful place for me to begin my SM experience. i was met with warmth, kindness and understanding. i went to my first play party after my first EROS meeting. WOW! i was amazed. People were being spanked and having hot wax poured on them and put on chain stations. i ended up involved with a couple i met that evening. After a couple of weeks things ended. i learned another lesson in how to demand honesty and respect and how to negotiate more clearly in my relationships. my next EROS meeting after our breakup was spent speaking with one of the group leaders and that was also when i met Sir.

After a few twists and turns, He and i finally arranged a play date. i had had a few small scenes with the above mentioned couple, but i would have to say that this was my first real adventure into pain play. Approximately three weeks later i asked to be His submissive and was given a chain bracelet as a symbol of that commitment.

Being in this relationship has given me much more than i can ever express in mere words. i have learned to express my needs, wants, fears and concerns constructively and in real time. today i do not use manipulation or passive aggressive behavior in an attempt to get my needs met. Because i had spent so much time on my own, my relationship with Sir was not the only part of my life and i did not cling to it desperately as i had done in the past. It was important part of me, not all of me. i still feel that way today.

Spring of 1999 i went to my first Leather event, boy's training camp in Dallas. That event was opened my eyes to a different facet of Oour community. The players here were serious and high protocol was the norm. i began to see things at home in a different way. For a while i will have to admit a certain holier than thou attitude towards people who i thought were less dedicated to the lifestyle than i. i met wonderful people and made lasting connections at this training and i learned an enormous amount about service and submission.

Since then i attended Texas Leather Pride in 1999 and boy's training camp 3. i have had the opportunity to meet Laura Antoniou and vi johnson. Wwe returned from Thunder in the Mountains in 2001 where i had the honor of meeting Patrick Califia-Rice as well as many other wonderful scene people. i would have to say that Thunder was the best yet. Then again, things just seem to be getting better and better all the time. As my experiences with submission continue, i am able to get more and more from the events i attend as they affect me on deeper levels.