softpetal's
growth
softpetal 10/99
Dear Sir,
Here is my version of training and how it has changed me and helped
me grow. i acknowledge here and now that there are probably so many
things that i will have forgotten to mention and will kick myself later
and say " God if i had only added this or that". But this
comes from my heart and my interpretation. i have spent many days thinking
about each part and here and now i have come to the conclusion just
to let it flow out. Before i even begin let me say that without YOU
in this there would be no slave softpetal- hell there would not be the
woman/child/nurse before You. You are my trainer, mentor, guide, shoulder,
authoritarian, best friend and now my Master. i am most grateful for
the past 2 1/2rs and looking forward to a lifetime spent learning with
You. Thank You for all of the love and peace in my life. Now i submit
my training...
It all began online
Hello, my name is softpetal and i have been serving Sir since January
18, 1998. There have been so many changes in me since that first encounter.
i began my exploration into BDSM about 3 1/2 years ago. Prior to that
i have lived a very beanie "vanilla" life. Husband and children
and the whole nine yards. There was something missing in my life and
never did i have the words or knowledge of what that was. Like many
people i found "myself" online looking at lifestyles. i discovered
irc and BDSM and my whole life changed. Lurking on channels watching
and meeting people all over the world in fact. Kneeling and serving-
what was this concept? Why did my heart race and every free moment i
signed on to learn more? Let me tell you that when people online ( mostly
now i know that they are wanna-be's) will take you under their wing
and offer "protection". i met my first Dom and served under
Him for 4 months. Training consisted of being online when ever He wanted
me and available to speak on the phone ( it was a LDR). i did not learn
anything and nor did i know that i was supposed to be learning anything.
The thinking of being online and wearing His "collar" and
playing around in the channel was all the formal training that i had.
No i take that back- i did learn rather quickly ( i am such a quick
study) about how to scene online like the best of them. But education
and research into the lifestyle and about submission or SSC- not a concept
i was given. Now in retrospect i wander if that was the intention in
the first place. i grew tired of the "games" and craved more.
There had to be more out there was there not?
Terrorism isn't Domination
it is abuse
My next experience came from serving a Dom who made it clear that terror
and control was His lot in life. To the point of severely scaring me
and my children. Interesting that all of this only happened online and
still i craved real life. There was an ache in myself that i had found
who i was- but how did i know with what i had been taught and read?
i call it intuition. Good thing that i followed my desire and my friend
led me to Sir. i found His web page and read it straight through for
over three days ( there were many links :) and after i closed it that
final day i told myself "i want to serve only this man".
The web page offered me education, knowledge, real life stories
and a connection to my inner core. There was a particular story about
a submissive speaking to Sir about her weight and self esteem. i had
been separated from my husband for about a year to this point and i
was pretty depressed and hurt. Her words hit home and His advice and
concern for HER best interest struck me. i linked to His page and read
all i could about Him.
New lessons from a strong
caring hand
There was honesty and a firm conviction in personal best, communication
and SSC. My friend brought me to His channel and introduced me to Sir.
What could i say to a Dom of His caliber? i really was shaking and so
nervous. My current situation was addressed about my stalker Dom and
my real fear. Sir set out right then and there to right a wrong- not
with fighting or aggression but with a discussion with the Dom and i
was released. My formal training started that very day. Sir inquired
about my training and needs and desires with questions as honest as
i could be. i was placed under His protection and given an
essay assignments everyday of these questions and my questions
to Sir.
These assignments gave a new reflection into myself and a window for
Sir to discover who i was. i was also 1300 miles away as well so these
essays became very important. Each day i was to email Sir with questions
or answers to my learning. i was given the task of looking up positions
that a submissive performs. Funny that after that assignment i ALWAYS
knelt even at my computer when i was in the presence of Sir. He did
not know that i did this for several months ( i should have asked or
told Him but that knowledge of asking and seeking direction came later
after many of my "test"). i looked up every possible position
and tried them and practiced all of the time to be able to do them with
ease and perfection. If one knows me, knows that i take on everything
to the fullest.
Giving over mind
and body
i was next given the need to offer over all of my releases (
no orgasm without permission). i had to remain loyal and committed
to Him and not allow other Doms to play with me. These commands
were great by me. i sought one Dom only and could not handle "all
the Doms in my head affect". There was a "Dom" living
close to me and He had toys but there was no Domination- He just wanted
me naked. Only Sir gave me directions and commands- real Domination.
Sir allowed me to go over there and see the toys. You see i did
not know what a flogger, paddle or nipple clamps were. Yes, i was very
naive to the lifestyle. Sir also sent me to web pages that sold toys
and i was to described what i saw and what i "felt" about
the toys ( which one was my favorite or why that one looked scary).
My body was His- i was to shave my pubic hair off except for a tuff
and wear certain clothes in His name for work and at home. i was
introduced with release at work and saying His name "Sir"
when i came. After each experience i had to email my thoughts and
the situation. i was instructed to inform Sir of my desire and increased
sexual response by stating " i am Your wet slut Sir".
i performed all of these commands with pride and dedication to Sir.
Developing trust
Now i will honestly (with lowered eyes) admit that all of my assignments
were ones that i also created myself. i learned of pushing the limits.
My life has consisted of abuse and betrayal. In response i have learned
the coping skill of "testing" for love and commitment. Within
several days of first serving Sir- i was instructed to NOT contact this
Dom and on my own i set out to do "as i pleased". i lost grace
and trust with Sir. Training does not always include a position or feel
of a toy but a lesson in communication, honesty and commitment. In the
past two and half years i have learned "MANY" of these lessons
from Sir with love and patience. My fear of abandoment eases with every
single day :)
Deeper commitments: r/l
learning
In time it was decided that i should move in and become 24/7. There
are so many lessons and training that began with this new move. i was
able to learn where to stand behind Sir ( just 3 days ago i asked
in particular where He would like me to place myself in different situtations).
How does one prepare the toys for play, such as placement for easy reach
for the Dom. i have learned of foot worship and rituals. Simple
things to the outside but training and practise of His routines and
needs. Reading the current and past literature on BDSM and D/s by
all of the noted authors was a must by Sir. Aways including emails in
essay form of the grow and concerns that i might have had.
High Protocol enhances
it all
Sir wished for me to become trained in Old Guard. i was given
to a respected Domme for the weekend so that i might be able to learn
all that i could and bring back the knowledge and new behaviors to Sir.
i was instructed to write about my experience as i was also working
on writing a rituals assignment as well. There were so many new
things that i had discovered with this weekend and even now continue
to research old guard protocal. We have found that this works well for
me and it is behavior that i ALWAYS present to Sir ( given that at work
and around vanilla people and children we modify). Sir has trained me
in puppy and age play ( areas that in the beginning of my exploration
would have called a safe word real quick) areas that i enjoy
to offer to Sir. Even this week alone Sir has had me working on the
web page and in the workings i have learned more about fisting and
water sports that i did not know about before.
self improvement
There are so many lessons that i have learned in these past two years
that are not considered BDSM but have changed me personally, professionally
and emotionally. My training of trust, old fears and abandoment,
self -esteem ( which i have to include here that when i moved here
i was a size 24 and with Sir's help and direction i am now a 14 :)))
still working on improving my body image and health. My current
training and assignment involves a jealousy issue and i gain
so much growth from His teachings.
coping skills
i have been trained in areas that most do not consider D/s. It is not
all about flogging or how to kneel. Sir has helped this girl with my
work. When i met Sir i was struggling with real life and trying to pass
my state boards for my license. i was stressed and not focusing. He
started with teaching me to breath controlling the fear
and panic with short long breaths. This allowed me to refocus and slow
down. Then came roll, that is when i have to roll my head
to relieve the stress. This rolling is back and forth and all around
to loosen the neck muscles where i seem to gather all of my stress.
The last technique, He asked me when i am at most peace what thing do
i do real time that i find peace and calm. i am a swimmer and i said
that it was lying in a pool listening to the water in my ear and just
floating. i had to do these exercises every day so that
when it came to taking my boards i had coping skills. i passed my boards
by the way :)
employment
My work is very stressful and moving here has allowed me to have a full
rewarding career. i have a natural gift with my nursing and i have moved
into the critical care path faster than anyone has ever heard of doing.
Sir gives me so much credit for this but without Him i would not be
doing my dream of intensive care so quickly without Him. He offers suggestions
and makes decisions that best suit my needs. If they are over working
me ( yes they over works us all of the time) He will pull me back and
say no i care about YOUR health first. He guides me with scheduling,
dealing with management and career moves. My job is taking off to direction
i never dreamt possible. i am an ICU nurse and that involves nights
when someone dies or i get close to someone and i lose them. i often
lead with my heart and it aches with what i see. If i have had a bad
night, Sir is there to hold me and help me through what i can not do
at work. If there was a success and i am bubbling over with pride in
my behavior to save someone... He is there to offer his loving safe
arms and let me know that i am an angel with what i do. i never saw
being a nurse as angel work and Sir has taught me that.
family and relationships
i have offered over my entire life--- all aspect, money family social
contacts and work just to name a few. Sir has taught me many lessons
in regards to my family. This may not seem to the outside world to be
D/s but it is. The first one for me is how to be a better mother to
my children. Ways to control and shape their lives in a positive healthy
way. Management of their education and social needs are always examined
and encouraged. The aspects of dealing with my ex husband has been the
greatest amount of learning and growing. Sir has taught me about managing
the fears and only allowing my ex to treat me with respect. Gone now
are the days of allowing him to make me cry and lose faith in myself.
Sir has encouraged me to open the doors of communication to maintain
the focus of " what is best for the children". After so many
years of abuse, this new communication and strength to demand more for
myself is a great gift Sir has shown me.
money, goal setting,
and rewards
Money is another issue that W/we work on. i make a VERY nice living
but old habits of impulsive spending had to be controlled early on.
Too many years of being denied can cause so much heart ache now. Sir
and i sit every two weeks and plan my budget. i do not go outside of
that budget and everything that i want or need is addressed and permission
granted or denied to ensure my financial growth is accomplished. This
has not been an easy lesson for me at first because of the domination
and abuse from my ex to make money a major fighting ground. i ran into
difficulties when the thoughts of " just another man telling me
what to do with my money" came up. Sir understood my thinking and
was so patient with me and helped me through the fear.
Now due to the trust i give to Sir i have had two experiences with my
money that i take great pride in. i love music more than anything...
and i did not have a good system in my car and was traveling for work
1 1/2 hours to and from. The first goal was that i would buy a car stereo.
It was my first and i was so proud of me for saving every extra dime
and keeping on track that i was able to afford something nice and rocked
out :) The second was bigger. i have always dreamt of traveling. Sir
decided, In my line of work i need to know Spanish, so Sir made a deal
with me, if i take and pass a Spanish class and save my money i can
earn a trip to Cancun Mexico. i took that class, studied so hard and
then saved again everything sticking to Sir's budget. Last week i was
permitted to go to Cancun all by myself for 4 days. It was the best
time of my life and taught me even more lessons in independence and
joy from hard work. i would have never had this opportunity without
Sir. i would be on a rocker someday saying "if i had only i could
have gone to Cancun". Sir offers me memories and lessons that are
not in some handbook of training. i grow by leaps and bounds because
of Him.
i am one who likes to provide in my service areas of housework and health
care needs. Sir has taught me His needs for running the househood and
with my organization skills and His desires, W/we manage a large task.
i have learned to not get my feelings hurt if something is not done
to His standards but see it as a way to improve myself. If i am given
an assignment it is done RIGHT THEN AND THERE. No excuses or putting
things off. If i am not able to complete all of the tasks, i present
to Him and make the time to accomplish them asap. My greatest gift from
Sir is when He says to me " You are my good girl". What more
can a submissive ask for.
i have given Sir my whole life. He controls all aspects of my life and
i freely and gladly offer it all over to Him. There is nothing better
than finding a center of peace and love when i am able to be His slave.
Ask me what i want to do the most and it is not play ( either sexual
or sensory) but kneeling at His feet and watching Him be the Best Master.
Do i have more to learn? You bet i do and i look forward to the journey.
The ride is worth the highs and lows- at least i am moving forward :)
There are probably so many more things that i am not remembering at
this time but it is an ongoing process. i presented Sir with a lump
of clay and watch as He makes a masterpiece that lives to serve Him.
Life is great finally-- hope You can discover the training as i have.
in humble service with devotion,
softpetal
softpetal has been a real life submissive with Sir since May of 1998
Sir's note: the writing appears as it was written with the addtion
of subtitles. The title of Master and slave at this writing have not
been formally bestowed on either party, but are an expression of the
place in softpetal's heart as she regards her role and journey.
|
