The Queenyl Pages
queenyl is a submissive I have been
pleased to know for some time on line. While she struggled with her
marriage in real life , she also struggled with the nature and value
of submission as she questioned and explored and played on line.
queenyl grew much in her on line
experience and self awareness and because of the changes she and her
mate were able to make in late 1998, queenyl took her husbands mandate
to get off line and go real life in service to him.
Hers, is a story of struggle and
introsepction and success. Her letters here have value beyond personal
update. She has graciously agreed to share what her learning experience
has been. She is a treasured friend and I share with you her experiences.
I hope you find something of value to take with you.
1/27/99
Dear Bad^,
I won't be able to be on IRC much, but I will do my best to keep up
with email. My husband had been very ill, and had a pacemaker implanted
in mid- December. He is in his last week of recovery, and is doing beautifully.
We had some real setbacks while he was having his health problems that
we are still working on. I do struggle with obeying. (I think you saw
that a few times, hm?) However, I am very excited and happy about this
part of my life. I never expected it to be easy, but I never expected
so many setbacks, disappointments and hard times. I know a good deal
of this is due to the change in our entire relationship. Things are
turning around- I am not doing something wrong every moment anymore
and Sir has really grown in his
dominance.
My main gripe right now is that I am STILL growing out my hair. It
is now all the way past my shoulder blades and hits smack in the middle
of my back. I keep grumbling that I need a haircut, and Sir keeps telling
me there is not a snowball's chance in hell. Considering how minor this
is, I'd say I am doing really damm well.
The biggest change is how I view myself. No longer am I the 'stubborn
sub'. I have come to a point where I am comfortable referring to myself
as, and being referred to as a slave. I am as surprised as anyone else.
I didn't think I would ever be able to give up that much of any part
of me. But, I have.
Now, off to the salt mines (dishes- SIr has figured out practical uses
for his slave.)
1/31/99
Dear Bad^
In the first letter I wrote to you after our talk on IRC, I said that
I was hoping to write to you about some of the things that I have faced
with my submission. In my last letter, I mentioned a bit about
how my perceptions of myself have changed, but didn't really get into
too much detail.
When Sir and I started out on the D/s aspect of our lives, there were
a lot of high hopes and hard-to-attain expectations on both our parts.
Neither of us realized or expected that so much of the 'work' would
be going on behind the scenes. The first week or two was mostly easy-
with enthusiasm and being full of 'change energy', we were able to accomplish
a lot of 'appearance' D/s. It wasn't until the sparkle had worn off
that the tough part displayed itself. I wanted and hoped for
more control than Sir wished to exert, and he wanted and hoped for more
obedience than I displayed. We had some hard realizations, but kept
at it.
In my head, I had lots of fantasies about sexual domination and bondage,
but the actuality of my daily life was that every aspect of my life
was under scrutiny. I was forced to learn to express myself to my husband
(referred to as Sir in the rest of this letter) in a way that was clear
and accurate, but not manipulative or petty. I am still learning this.
I had to learn not to talk back, even when I disagreed with him. I am
still learning this. I have made great improvements,
but there is always room for more.
I found that Sir and I were talking more, listening more, understanding
more. That alone made this change worthwhile, to me. Sir and I hadn't
been able to find the tools to be open and honest about most things
until we used D/s. There were a lot of subtle changes that I was really
surprised by.
While our sex lives have made dramatic improvements, most of the changes
I have noticed haven't been about sex. I had a hard time even realizing
this, because as a general rule, I am a very sex oriented person. However,
over the time that I have spent with Sir, working on making submission
an everyday, continuous event, I have learned that sex is the icing
on the cake, so to speak. We did benefit from clear, open communication
about interests and desires. We did benefit from making expectations
and reality separate entities. None of those benefits are exclusively
limited to our sex lives.
Now, I no longer resent Sir if I do not orgasm, because that is part
of what he is allowed to control within out relationship, and it is
consented. Before we made that clear, I felt great anger and disappointment
if I didn't get that. I have also learned that great deals of my frustrations
in our sex life were directly related to his health. However, the problem
wasn't obvious, and I blamed his
shortcomings on his interest level. Since the operation, Sir's energy
and stamina in all departments have shot up markedly. It was a great
revelation to me that it wasn't that Sir didn't -want- to please me,
but rather wasn't -able- to.
I have learned that I have value to Sir. I know that he loves me, and
that I cannot be replaced. I know that even if he isn't fucking me senseless,
he still loves me. Being able to say these things, and KNOW them wasn't
easy. The work we did with trust really did break through walls of isolation
in my relationship with Sir.
I no longer fear the power and control I gave away. I am no longer
afraid to give up more. I know that the work that will go with giving
up these parts of myself won't be easy, but I am willing to do that
work for both myself and for Sir.
I spent a lot of time fighting the fact that Sir had so much of a presence
in my life. Today, I see it as a comfort and make a lot of my choices
based on the question of whether it would please him. I see myself getting
more and more comfortable with the possibility that I can be owned without
harm to myself. It hadn't been clear to me that being owned could be
a good thing until recently. Giving up total control and being owned
are no longer my mortal enemies. Being a slave
isn't such a bad thing anymore.
How did it happen that -I- said that? I was so blown away by what I
have already given and what else I am willing to give. I am continually
amazed with myself, and with the work I have done to allow Sir's Dominance.
I don't think of myself as untamable, irrepressible, wild or unmanageable,
as I once did. I have learned to value myself outside of a man's interest
in me. I have come to accept that I am ok. Not all of this is directly
due to D/s, and not all of it is related to my submission, but these
changes in how I think of myself make the submission more possible.
With confidence in myself as a tool and comfort, being confident in
someone else isn't so frightening.
I hope this made some sort of sense. Thanks for listening.
Cheers,
queenyl
1/31/99
Dear BadSir,
I appreciated your kind words very much. There are times when I wonder
if what I feel while experiencing all of this is valid, real, or true.
I know in my cognizant mind that these words are destructive when applied
to people or emotions, but my emotional self loves to subvert and create
drama.
It would be my honor to have my work shared on your site. I would be
happy to allow you that. I would like to request that you eliminate
any references to my husband and replace them with "Sir".
I am not certain how much of the writing you wish to use, but preserving
my husband's privacy is important to me. It is accepted and allowed
that his name would be shared with my close friends, but a public display
such as a web site has never been acceptable to him.
The other things you mentioned- the email link and the credit-both or
either of those choices are fine with me.
Thank you again for your wonderful attitude and caring spirit.
Cheers,
queenyl
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