The Queenyl Pages

Triggers

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Very recently, I began doing some mental housekeeping. Several important landmarks had come and gone in my life, and I found myself stopping to reflect on my life's progress so far. I spent a great amount of time considering the past year, and whether the changes I had made were good for me, and if I had learned anything from the experiences I'd gained in that time.

My husband and I experienced a great deal of growing up in the past year, and with that came a new commitment to each other and our relationship. We decided together to make an active process of being committed, rather than only working on the situation when faced with a problem. We entered into a Dominant/submissive relationship, which was one of the ways that fit our desires to pay attention to our relationship. It also reflected our own personal interests on the sort of relationship we wanted with each other. We had 'played at' some form of D/s for several years (both actively and not), but had never been in synch with each other in terms of commitment and interest on the subject. Once we connected in terms of maturity and excitement for each other and how we wanted to operate, we accepted the challenges of a D/s relationship. In this particular dynamic, I'm the submissive, and my husband is the Dominant. His preferred mode of address is "Sir", and mine is "queen".

One of the first things Sir worked on within the relationship was to try to build my self-confidence and help me reestablish a feeling of worth within myself. This particular issue has been somewhat troublesome for me over the years, and he rightly acknowledged it as needing to be addressed. He spent a great deal of time complimenting my appearance, and informing me of my value to him. Specifically, he would tell me that I was 'beautiful and wanted". These praises did not go unnoticed by me, and in time, I began to feel far more assured with myself and in turn, more able to be the 'sort of girl' I believed Sir wanted. This newfound confidence led me to work harder at caring for myself, and I began finding that I perceived myself as attractive, rather than unappealing or 'lowly' in any way. This had a lot of unexpected (but pleasant) side effects, and we were both very satisfied with the results.

At the very beginning of the newly founded relationship, we both kept our expectations as low as we were able in an effort not to sabotage ourselves before we had a chance at success. As time progressed, the expectations expanded slowly, along with the challenges of adjusting to a new situation. Sometimes, the expectations grew too fast and caused problems.

One of the many things decided early on was that I would be responsible for a large part of the housework. Often, Sir would leave a list of specific tasks he wanted accomplished. I would do my best to finish the jobs, and if unable to do so, I frequently made a plan for how to do so within the shortest time period possible. Because Sir had worked so hard to give me confidence, I was very proud of the work I did for our household, and would explain to him what I'd 'been up to' while he was at work.

I started noticing some dissatisfaction and resentment on my part when I did so, because I wasn't feeling the sort of appreciation I wanted. It was not due to a lack of praise, but more due to the wrong SORT of praise. It took me a while to recognize the specific problem, and because of that, my underlying feelings of frustration crept out at inopportune times. Sir didn't know what was bringing about my unpleasant behavior, and quite firmly informed me that it was to stop immediately. For a short period of time, a small cycle of bad behavior, resentment and correction built up and 'fed' itself into a fairly problematic situation. Sir and I had not developed fabulous anger management techniques by this point, and the result was a lot of arguing. During the course of an argument, I made it clear I felt he didn't appreciate the things I did for him around the house. Sir was completely confused as to how I could feel undervalued, mostly because he felt he had given me plenty of compliments and made me know I was valued. It wasn't until this argument occurred that either of us became aware that I needed 'action related' (good job, you've pleased me, etc) praise for action to feel as significant we both desired. What transpired from this was that Sir learned the importance of certain ways to offer me feedback, and I was reminded to be clear in communicating my needs before we came to a head.

I became aware that while I had certain needs concerning how praise was directed, I was also expecting (or secretly hoping for) very specific wording and tone. These expectations were holdovers from previous relationships, and I began to examine whether the things I was expecting were fair. I wrote a post to a mailing list I participate on, and discussed that certain words had a stronger effect on me than others. In my post, I relayed that some of the words that have the strongest effect are those left over from old relationships. I was challenging myself to outgrow the old needs and wants and to develop towards new ones that were built with my current partner in mind, and I asked for ideas on accomplishing this task.

The list had a lot of ideas and thoughts, and I considered them all as I mulled the situation over. I was aware that certain words would 'trip my trigger' emotionally. I didn't want to shut that down. I merely wanted to shift what triggered me from one set of words (or circumstances) to another. After a lot of thought, I accepted the idea that it would take a long time.

Because my intent was to develop and grow with my current partner in mind, I showed Sir the post I wrote to the email group. I hoped that he would gain some understanding of the concerns and evolvements I was handling by reading the comments. I also wanted to keep our communication clear and free of deception or withholding of information.
While I had been operating with certain 'triggers' that were already set, Sir was working with a different set that was very different from my own. Many of the things that I had found immensely pleasurable were less than interesting to Sir, and he avoided using those particular words or situations. Neither of us had been aware of the 'distance' between our respective sets of interest points until I started considering trying to teach myself to respond to the same sorts of things that appealed to Sir. I was trying to beat off the ghosts of old expectations and relationships by reaching out to Sir to find a common connecting point in terms of the things that trigger me into emotional reaction. I didn't want to be responding to something set by a person no longer in my life, particularly if Sir didn't find any appeal in using that specific trigger. It's not fun or polite to play cops and robbers with someone that prefers to play house, as an example.
When I explained my intent to Sir, I felt that I'd reached a different sort of 'depth' in our relationship than I'd touched on in the past. I had broken out of a previous type of behavior that focused on my own desires and 'turn ons'. I had moved into a willingness to look at the things Sir desired and find the appeal in them, and make them my own. This seemed very critical and my thoughts 'popped' with the intensity of this change in my behavior. As I worked to close the distance between Sir and I, Sir was doing something that looked different, but wound up being equally compelling.

I'd told Sir all about how I wanted to 'get over' the past and make myself more his by responding to him and his words. I'd let him know that offering that primal, opened part of my soul to him was something I very much wanted. I think perhaps I expected that he would let me know what was appealing to him emotionally and that I would slowly learn to adapt my own 'triggering' to those terms. I should know better than to have expectations by now, but I still haven't learned, it seems. Sir simply surprised me.

During an evening of intimacy and play, Sir explored some of the things I found appealing. In the course of the evening, Sir watched my responses to his ministrations. Each new thing he tried brought a type of reaction he had wanted, but had not yet gained before this particular evening. A powerful thing started to happen to Sir; he started to get a thrill from what he was doing. This continued through the night, and he was surprised that something he'd initially dismissed as not interesting or valuable was now absolutely going in his 'tool box'.

This change lead to one that is still ongoing. He grew past doing something because it 'turned him on'. It was no longer important whether an activity or situation was absolutely HIS trigger. He could now see the value in something that I liked, simply for the effect it had on me. He was no longer doing it 'for my sake', but because the reaction he got pleased him so deeply. My response to him became as much of a 'tripwire' for his emotional satisfaction as whether Sir originally liked whatever we were doing. At the same time, I had made many of the same sorts of changes, taking a different approach. In this particular instance, Sir and I had grown together and acquired a deep sense of what appeals to US. We've gained a new sense of intimacy and a great deal of maturity through this, much to our benefit. It's become something that we look at and find satisfaction in, and some solace that we did this with each other, and not separately.

I tend to go through phases where certain topics weigh heavily on my mind and crop up in my conversations frequently. For a bit, 'mutuality' was the favored subject. Right now, triggers and how they can influence relationships is the 'soup du jour'.

In guns and other weapons, triggers are mechanisms that instigate a series of reactions, usually extremely violent in nature. In relationships, triggers can be mechanisms that set off equally volatile responses. These responses can vary widely and broach a wide spectrum. Physical occurrences such as flushing of the cheeks, trembling, and panic can be seen in response to various triggers. Emotions are also easily agitated through triggers, as evidenced by the response of feeling insulted, praised, intrigued or stimulated by certain words, phrases or situations. It takes a great deal of self-awareness to recognize triggers within the self, and an exceptionally keen sense of perception to notice them in others. It's not surprising that many Dominants find this element of D/s relationships challenging, or that submissives often are not aware of the power that lies within these conditions.

It's very easy to know what is sexually exciting, but sorting through the psychological landscape to discover what thrills is often harder. Identifying and utilizing both the power and control that can lie within triggers can often deepen a relationship, and offer a more intense dynamic to the parties involved. I've commented about the subject to a number of friends, and many of them admit that it has not occurred to them to consider exactly what 'flips the switch' for them. It's also very easy for couples to discuss singular points of intrigue, but it's frequently overlooked to find the things that spark the interest of both parties, not separately, but together.

I've got a long way to go and a lot to learn when it comes to submission and the lifestyle in general. However, this particular lesson not only helped me gain insight into what makes my Sir happy, it also showed me a great deal about true giving. I don't know that this has to apply only to submissives. I think that given the right consideration, the base lesson could be applied to nearly every person and dynamic. It all depends, I guess, on if it trips your trigger.

queenyl

04.09.01